In my last entry I mentioned that I had been dating someone for about 3 months. I thought it was going well until he completely disappeared from my life about 2 weeks ago! We had made plans for the week-end on Wednesday night and that was the last I heard from him. I sent several texts and left messages, but got nothing back. I checked the hospitals and the morgue, but he wasn't there. After a week I called the apartments where he lives and asked them to check on him because I knew he lived alone and was worried that he'd had an accident. They called me back and said he was okay. He still hasn't called me, so I'm left wondering what went wrong.
As humans are prone to do, I've looked back over the last 3 months and dissected the times we spent together. Several "red flags" have popped up that I failed to see before. The first one I mentioned in my last entry - the fact that we went right from e-mailing to meeting without any phone conversations. He was really in a hurry to meet me. That should have at least sent me a yellow caution flag! If someone is that anxious to drive 2 hours to have coffee with someone they met on-line, there's probably something wrong. Instead I was flattered that he would do that....pretty naive now that I look back on it.
After we'd only known each other a few weeks he started saying he loved me and talking about marriage. I put a stop to the marriage talk quickly because I'm not ready to consider that yet, may never be, and wouldn't consider marrying someone I'd just met. I told him he couldn't even ask me for at least 6 months. When he asked why I told him because he wouldn't get the answer he wanted. He seemed okay with this and just made jokes about counting down the days. This was rather endearing, but definitely a red flag.
At Christmas he bought me expensive presents and even purchased gift cards for my sons. I also gave him nice presents. Nothing too strange there, but when my birthday came a few weeks later he didn't get me a gift. He brought me the usual bouquet of flowers when he got here and he took me to dinner, but those had become every week-end occurrences. I didn't say anything about the absence of a birthday gift and just figured he didn't do birthdays! Then Valentine's day came and he showed up with 2 bouquets of flowers and a box of candy! The strange thing about this was that we had had more than one conversation about how we both preferred dark chocolate, but the candy was milk chocolate. I thought that was odd, but didn't mention it and let him know that I appreciated what he had given me. Little red flags that I didn't pay attention to.
Then there came the time when I realized that he knew everything about my life - my friends, my church, my home, my family, my favorite restaurants, etc., however, I knew very little about his life. I hadn't met his family or friends, hadn't seen where or how he lived, and really didn't know anything about his day to day existence. I mentioned this and said I'd like to visit him. He seemed fine with the idea, so we started looking for a time when I could do this, and I began to notice his interest in me cooling off. He stopped saying he loved me and never mentioned marriage or counting down the days. He didn't text me as much and didn't answer my calls as quickly. Red flags began waving in front of my face! Something was definitely not right. I had decided to confront him the next week-end, but never had the chance because that's when he disappeared from my radar. I'll never know what went wrong, but I have a few theories and thoughts.
He told me he was having a rough time at work and there were things happening that would probably cause someone to get fired. I asked if he thought his job was in danger and he said he thought it would be someone else. Theory #1 is that he got fired and was too embarrassed to tell me. This doesn't say much for his opinion of me or his backbone.
Here's the background for theory #2. One time when we were out to dinner I had seen an old neighbor of mine and given him a hug. I had introduced him to my friend, talked a few minutes, and then he left. Nothing more was said until a few days later when my friend accused me of going out with this guy. I assured him there was no interest on either side, but was perplexed that he would accuse me of that. Was he that insecure and jealous? Those are two things I don't deal well with because I don't play those games. What may have made this even worse was that the company I work for awards their employees something very nice for 10 years of service and I received my diamond pendant the next week. I was excited and told him about it, not thinking of the other incident. Did he connect the two and think I was cheating on him? That's my son's theory. I never would have thought of it. Again, that doesn't say much for his opinion of me, and it's pretty spineless for him not to ask me.
Theory #3 is that he didn't live the life he had portrayed to me and when I started wanting to visit his part of the world he couldn't let me without giving himself away as a liar.
There are many other theories, but it really doesn't matter because there's nothing short of being hospitalized, dead, or in jail that would forgive his complete lack of communication. I've learned something from this experience, which is not to break my rules and not to get carried away by pretty words and attention. Will I quit dating because of this? No, I've now seen what it can be like to be treated well and taken out. Quite frankly, I enjoyed it. Will I be more careful now? You bet! I'll be looking for those red flags and if I see one it will be talked about immediately.
I always try to learn from my mistakes and I believe that's good advice. I'll also continue to work on listening to God and allowing Him to lead me. I believe the red flags are God's way of saying "Hey, something isn't right here. You need to pay attention!" I hope you'll pay attention to any red flags you find in relationships and listen to God as he leads you.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
To Date or Not To Date....
What's a widow to do? I was widowed in my fifties, which is certainly young enough to consider having another relationship in my life. Do I want one? Do I want to get married again? Tough questions.
As I've mentioned, my husband was rather controlling and quite dominant. After being single again for over two years, I feel like I've found myself and I've left behind the "married" me. I'm enjoying being single, thinking for myself, going where I want to go & when I want to go. Yet, there's something missing in my life - a partner. My sons are with me, but they can't fill that hole. There are times when I just want an adult to talk to. Girl friends are good for that, but sometimes having a man's opinion is important.
I once saw a saying that went like this: "It takes a mighty good husband to be better than none". I cut it out and hung it on my bulletin board because I believe it to be true. When I think about getting married again, I cringe. Could I ever allow another man to have that kind of control over me again? Do I want to pick up someone's dirty socks? Do I want to have to cook again? Do I want to have sex again? So much to consider, and how do I sort it out?
What traits would I look for in a man? My instinct is to go for someone who is completely opposite of my husband. But, wait, John did have some good points. I always felt safe with him. He was a Marine, he knew how to handle weapons, and I knew he was always watchful. I never had a reason to be afraid if he was near. John was also very intelligent and could carry on an interesting conversation. This is important to me because I crave mental stimulation and love to learn. Then there are the bad habits to steer away from like the impulsive buying, having to be the center of attention, not helping with the housework, and always asking me what was for dinner when I was still at work and he was already home!
Then, where would I look for a man if I decide I want one? My church is very small and has very few single men with virtually none in my age bracket. Meeting someone in a bar is usually not good for the long term. I work for a fairly large company, but dating someone from work is not a good idea, and there's no one there I would be interested in. I believe a friend of a friend would be a good idea, but my friends don't seem to hang out with single men my age! What's left? Maybe internet dating? Scary idea, but with caution it could work.
So, on-line I went. Someone says to try plentyoffish.com because it's free. I gave that one a few months and had lots of laughs. There are a few decent men, but the majority don't have much going for them which is why they're on a free site! I met two. One never got off the ground and the other was good for a few dates until I realized he didn't share my Christian faith and had no desire to go to church. This is important to me, so it was time to move on.
The next site I tried was match.com. Another joke! Don't believe the commercials on television for this one. They kept sending me the same men I had already turned down. Then there were a couple of men who looked and sounded really good. That is, until we started e-mailing back and forth and I learned that they couldn't spell or put together a coherent sentence! I wonder who wrote their profiles? No luck there.
I was about to give up on this type of dating when I came across seniorpeoplemeet.com, a site for people 50 and over. Maybe limiting the site to people of my age group would make a difference. I signed up and started looking. Over the months on the other sites I had developed a type of criteria that I would go by. The first thing was looks. No, he didn't have to be the most handsome man I'd ever seen. What I was looking for was someone I would enjoy looking at when I woke up in the morning. Then he had to be intelligent - able to write and spell and have varied interests. I'm not a sports fan, so the big football, basketball and Nascar fans didn't get my attention. Of course, he had to be a Christian and like going to church.
One of the surprises I ran into was men who were put off by my sons living with me. Some didn't even like the fact that I had sons. What was that all about? Competition? I found that to be very strange. Another man took offense that I have a son who wants to be a police officer. I believe that to be a very noble, underpaid profession, and where would we be without police officers? Yes, there are some strange ones out there!
I always asked the men to write back and forth several times before I would consider giving out my phone number, so I took this very slowly. If we made it to the phone number stage, we would talk on the phone several times before I would consider meeting him. Then, if we made it to actually meeting, I would tell my sons where I was going and when I would be back. There were only 3 that I actually met. The two I mentioned before and one from seniorpeoplemeet.com. The last one broke several of my "rules" and I never noticed until later. We e-mailed a few times, but skipped the phone conversations. He lived in Chattanooga, which was farther than I wanted to go, but he was very eager to meet me and didn't mind driving. So, we went from e-mail directly to coffee at Starbuck's. As I was waiting for him to arrive I realized I had never heard his voice and started to wonder if I would recognize him. This wasn't a problem.
We hit it off immediately and talked for 4 hours thru coffee and then dinner. My son called me a few times to make sure I was alright and this didn't bother my new friend at all. He was actually impressed that my boys watch out for me. The next week-end he was back to take me out on a real date, which was incredibly fun! He's been back every week-end that he could come for the last 3 months. He's a gentleman, loves going to church with me, gets along great with my boys, and even likes my dogs! We have many things in common and we have great conversations. There's still the issue of him living 2 hours away, but he's working on that.
I'm still not sure I want to get married again, but I'm really enjoying the attention and going out. I know I don't have to decide right away and he knows not to ask me. If it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, I've learned how to have fun again and I'm discovering what it's like to be treated like a lady. My boys and my friends say they've noticed that I'm happier now and I don't get stressed out easily. I find that by the time Saturday morning comes I'm smiling and singing, anxiously waiting for my friend to arrive. Will it last? I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
My advice to anyone who has had a serious relationship end, either through death, divorce, or a break up, is to take it easy for awhile. Let the dust settle, sort out your feelings, and learn to be yourself again. Depending on the situation this could take a few months to a few years, and it will be different for everyone. You'll know when you're ready to look again. When that time comes, take it slow and don't jump into a relationship just to be in one. Enjoy it and make sure he treats you like a lady!
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
As I've mentioned, my husband was rather controlling and quite dominant. After being single again for over two years, I feel like I've found myself and I've left behind the "married" me. I'm enjoying being single, thinking for myself, going where I want to go & when I want to go. Yet, there's something missing in my life - a partner. My sons are with me, but they can't fill that hole. There are times when I just want an adult to talk to. Girl friends are good for that, but sometimes having a man's opinion is important.
I once saw a saying that went like this: "It takes a mighty good husband to be better than none". I cut it out and hung it on my bulletin board because I believe it to be true. When I think about getting married again, I cringe. Could I ever allow another man to have that kind of control over me again? Do I want to pick up someone's dirty socks? Do I want to have to cook again? Do I want to have sex again? So much to consider, and how do I sort it out?
What traits would I look for in a man? My instinct is to go for someone who is completely opposite of my husband. But, wait, John did have some good points. I always felt safe with him. He was a Marine, he knew how to handle weapons, and I knew he was always watchful. I never had a reason to be afraid if he was near. John was also very intelligent and could carry on an interesting conversation. This is important to me because I crave mental stimulation and love to learn. Then there are the bad habits to steer away from like the impulsive buying, having to be the center of attention, not helping with the housework, and always asking me what was for dinner when I was still at work and he was already home!
Then, where would I look for a man if I decide I want one? My church is very small and has very few single men with virtually none in my age bracket. Meeting someone in a bar is usually not good for the long term. I work for a fairly large company, but dating someone from work is not a good idea, and there's no one there I would be interested in. I believe a friend of a friend would be a good idea, but my friends don't seem to hang out with single men my age! What's left? Maybe internet dating? Scary idea, but with caution it could work.
So, on-line I went. Someone says to try plentyoffish.com because it's free. I gave that one a few months and had lots of laughs. There are a few decent men, but the majority don't have much going for them which is why they're on a free site! I met two. One never got off the ground and the other was good for a few dates until I realized he didn't share my Christian faith and had no desire to go to church. This is important to me, so it was time to move on.
The next site I tried was match.com. Another joke! Don't believe the commercials on television for this one. They kept sending me the same men I had already turned down. Then there were a couple of men who looked and sounded really good. That is, until we started e-mailing back and forth and I learned that they couldn't spell or put together a coherent sentence! I wonder who wrote their profiles? No luck there.
I was about to give up on this type of dating when I came across seniorpeoplemeet.com, a site for people 50 and over. Maybe limiting the site to people of my age group would make a difference. I signed up and started looking. Over the months on the other sites I had developed a type of criteria that I would go by. The first thing was looks. No, he didn't have to be the most handsome man I'd ever seen. What I was looking for was someone I would enjoy looking at when I woke up in the morning. Then he had to be intelligent - able to write and spell and have varied interests. I'm not a sports fan, so the big football, basketball and Nascar fans didn't get my attention. Of course, he had to be a Christian and like going to church.
One of the surprises I ran into was men who were put off by my sons living with me. Some didn't even like the fact that I had sons. What was that all about? Competition? I found that to be very strange. Another man took offense that I have a son who wants to be a police officer. I believe that to be a very noble, underpaid profession, and where would we be without police officers? Yes, there are some strange ones out there!
I always asked the men to write back and forth several times before I would consider giving out my phone number, so I took this very slowly. If we made it to the phone number stage, we would talk on the phone several times before I would consider meeting him. Then, if we made it to actually meeting, I would tell my sons where I was going and when I would be back. There were only 3 that I actually met. The two I mentioned before and one from seniorpeoplemeet.com. The last one broke several of my "rules" and I never noticed until later. We e-mailed a few times, but skipped the phone conversations. He lived in Chattanooga, which was farther than I wanted to go, but he was very eager to meet me and didn't mind driving. So, we went from e-mail directly to coffee at Starbuck's. As I was waiting for him to arrive I realized I had never heard his voice and started to wonder if I would recognize him. This wasn't a problem.
We hit it off immediately and talked for 4 hours thru coffee and then dinner. My son called me a few times to make sure I was alright and this didn't bother my new friend at all. He was actually impressed that my boys watch out for me. The next week-end he was back to take me out on a real date, which was incredibly fun! He's been back every week-end that he could come for the last 3 months. He's a gentleman, loves going to church with me, gets along great with my boys, and even likes my dogs! We have many things in common and we have great conversations. There's still the issue of him living 2 hours away, but he's working on that.
I'm still not sure I want to get married again, but I'm really enjoying the attention and going out. I know I don't have to decide right away and he knows not to ask me. If it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, I've learned how to have fun again and I'm discovering what it's like to be treated like a lady. My boys and my friends say they've noticed that I'm happier now and I don't get stressed out easily. I find that by the time Saturday morning comes I'm smiling and singing, anxiously waiting for my friend to arrive. Will it last? I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
My advice to anyone who has had a serious relationship end, either through death, divorce, or a break up, is to take it easy for awhile. Let the dust settle, sort out your feelings, and learn to be yourself again. Depending on the situation this could take a few months to a few years, and it will be different for everyone. You'll know when you're ready to look again. When that time comes, take it slow and don't jump into a relationship just to be in one. Enjoy it and make sure he treats you like a lady!
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Silver Linings
"Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining." Lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Kutless. This became my mantra during the first year or so after John passed away. No, I wasn't about to give up, and I knew the sun was shining, but some things were still difficult. If I looked for the silver linings I was able to focus better and appreciate my circumstances. This became very true for Caleb as well.
I remember walking through Walmart with Caleb one day and explaining to him about silver linings. I told him it's always healthy to look for the good that can come out of something bad. I used his 16th birthday party as an example. He had asked to have the party at home with some of his friends so they could use the hot tub, sauna, and Wii. I didn't have a problem with that, even though the room containing those items was located off my bedroom/bathroom. I believe there were 7-8 teens that day and they all appeared to have a great time between soaking in the hot tub, trying to get the sauna to work, and playing games. Caleb had a large arsenal of Nerf guns, so it was inevitable that they would come out at some point. Imagine my surprise when I walked through my bedroom to find a Nerf war in full swing with one kid using my bed as a wall to hide behind and another one using my bathtub as a bunker! All I could do was laugh and be happy that they were having fun and Caleb was having a great birthday with his friends. As I thought about the day later I realized that if John had been alive that party would not have happened. He didn't like disturbances (like noisy kids), and he definitely would not have allowed them into our bedroom, bathroom, or the hot tub area! So, the silver lining for Caleb was being able to have the great birthday that he envisioned with his friends, which never would have happened if his father was still with us.
Some might say that it would be better to have his father than to have the birthday party he wanted, however, in Caleb's case this was probably not so. John was a very controlling father, to the point of having Caleb's life planned out for him. John had been a Marine, so he wanted Caleb to be a Marine. His idea of college for Caleb was the Naval Academy and then entry into the Marines as an officer. This was never what Caleb wanted, but when he tried to talk to his father he didn't get far and ended up very upset. One of Caleb's first questions after his father died was if he would still have to go to the Naval Academy. I assured him that he could choose his college as long as he attended one, but that out of respect to his father I wanted him to at least visit the Naval Academy. He agreed and went for a tour with John's brother who lives near the Academy. Caleb immediately knew that it wasn't the place for him. Another silver lining? Perhaps.
As kids do, Caleb had entertained several ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. One day at the end of his sophomore year I asked him if he had made any decisions in this area. I was surprised when he said yes, but didn't elaborate. I asked if he was going to tell me and again got a "yes", but nothing else. I finally pulled out of him that he wanted to be a police officer and had made this decision several years before. When I asked why he hadn't said anything sooner he explained that his father would have made fun of him, and he was right. John was not a fan of the police and made fun of them at every opportunity. I told him I understood and would support his decision. He already had a college selected with the program of study that he would need. How awesome that he knows what he wants to do with his life and what he has to do to make it happen! I'm very proud of him for that and I believe this is another silver lining for him.
Please don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things that Caleb's father did for him. Caleb was raised wtih manners and discipline. He was taught right from wrong and raised in church with good core values. He was taught how to use tools, how to treat others, and was shown a strong work ethic. He was taught "man things" that I would never be able to attempt to teach him (and truly don't understand!) All of these things are woven into the man that he's becoming. So many people who know Caleb have commented on how his personality has developed and how he's become his own person in the past 2 years. He's funny, intelligent, respectful, and is comfortable carrying on a conversation with anyone at anytime about anything. It's almost like a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon, but this is a butterfly with a mix of his father, myself, many others along the way, and a myriad of experiences. He has pulled things for himself from all of these sources and become Caleb. I'm not sure he would have been allowed to do that if John were still with us. Another silver lining? Possibly.
As blogs sometimes do, this entry has taken on a life of it's own and become more about Caleb than about me. There have also been silver linings for me, however, apparently I wasn't supposed to write about them today! Maybe another time. I would suggest that in whatever "bad" time you might be going through you should look closely and try to find the silver linings. They'll be there, but you may have to pray to see your circumstances in a different light in order to find them. Good luck....it's worth the effort!
Thanks for taking this journey with me. More to come!
I remember walking through Walmart with Caleb one day and explaining to him about silver linings. I told him it's always healthy to look for the good that can come out of something bad. I used his 16th birthday party as an example. He had asked to have the party at home with some of his friends so they could use the hot tub, sauna, and Wii. I didn't have a problem with that, even though the room containing those items was located off my bedroom/bathroom. I believe there were 7-8 teens that day and they all appeared to have a great time between soaking in the hot tub, trying to get the sauna to work, and playing games. Caleb had a large arsenal of Nerf guns, so it was inevitable that they would come out at some point. Imagine my surprise when I walked through my bedroom to find a Nerf war in full swing with one kid using my bed as a wall to hide behind and another one using my bathtub as a bunker! All I could do was laugh and be happy that they were having fun and Caleb was having a great birthday with his friends. As I thought about the day later I realized that if John had been alive that party would not have happened. He didn't like disturbances (like noisy kids), and he definitely would not have allowed them into our bedroom, bathroom, or the hot tub area! So, the silver lining for Caleb was being able to have the great birthday that he envisioned with his friends, which never would have happened if his father was still with us.
Some might say that it would be better to have his father than to have the birthday party he wanted, however, in Caleb's case this was probably not so. John was a very controlling father, to the point of having Caleb's life planned out for him. John had been a Marine, so he wanted Caleb to be a Marine. His idea of college for Caleb was the Naval Academy and then entry into the Marines as an officer. This was never what Caleb wanted, but when he tried to talk to his father he didn't get far and ended up very upset. One of Caleb's first questions after his father died was if he would still have to go to the Naval Academy. I assured him that he could choose his college as long as he attended one, but that out of respect to his father I wanted him to at least visit the Naval Academy. He agreed and went for a tour with John's brother who lives near the Academy. Caleb immediately knew that it wasn't the place for him. Another silver lining? Perhaps.
As kids do, Caleb had entertained several ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. One day at the end of his sophomore year I asked him if he had made any decisions in this area. I was surprised when he said yes, but didn't elaborate. I asked if he was going to tell me and again got a "yes", but nothing else. I finally pulled out of him that he wanted to be a police officer and had made this decision several years before. When I asked why he hadn't said anything sooner he explained that his father would have made fun of him, and he was right. John was not a fan of the police and made fun of them at every opportunity. I told him I understood and would support his decision. He already had a college selected with the program of study that he would need. How awesome that he knows what he wants to do with his life and what he has to do to make it happen! I'm very proud of him for that and I believe this is another silver lining for him.
Please don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things that Caleb's father did for him. Caleb was raised wtih manners and discipline. He was taught right from wrong and raised in church with good core values. He was taught how to use tools, how to treat others, and was shown a strong work ethic. He was taught "man things" that I would never be able to attempt to teach him (and truly don't understand!) All of these things are woven into the man that he's becoming. So many people who know Caleb have commented on how his personality has developed and how he's become his own person in the past 2 years. He's funny, intelligent, respectful, and is comfortable carrying on a conversation with anyone at anytime about anything. It's almost like a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon, but this is a butterfly with a mix of his father, myself, many others along the way, and a myriad of experiences. He has pulled things for himself from all of these sources and become Caleb. I'm not sure he would have been allowed to do that if John were still with us. Another silver lining? Possibly.
As blogs sometimes do, this entry has taken on a life of it's own and become more about Caleb than about me. There have also been silver linings for me, however, apparently I wasn't supposed to write about them today! Maybe another time. I would suggest that in whatever "bad" time you might be going through you should look closely and try to find the silver linings. They'll be there, but you may have to pray to see your circumstances in a different light in order to find them. Good luck....it's worth the effort!
Thanks for taking this journey with me. More to come!
Monday, January 9, 2012
What's missing?
I've written about several things that I don't miss - things that left my life when John passed on. Just to be fair, there are some things that I really do miss.
The first would be a good hug! John was a large man and could wrap his arms around me for a big, comforting hug. I realized very quickly that this was missing after he was gone. Once I made this discovery, I figured out how to fix it. I go to church with lots of wonderful people who have been there for me through thick and thin. They are huggers for the most part, so all I had to do was offer a hug and get one in return. Easy fix!
Another missing element was the handy-man that John was. He was good at fixing things, hanging pictures, and taking care of things outside. I never mowed the lawn or edged it. I rarely changed light bulbs or air filters. If I wanted something done I would ask him about it and he would figure out the best way. Once again, I turned to my church family. There are several men in the congregation who have the "honey-do" capability. One of my door knobs had to be replaced, so all I had to do was ask and it was done. They have also checked things like the vents and roof. I also have my two sons who are old enough to be helpful. They took over the lawn mowing and edging chores, and can be counted on for simple home maintenance chores, like changing air filters. Luckily, Caleb had been taught by his father where things were and how they work. I've had to pick his brain several times about different things that John used to take care of. One thing I found out after John died was that he did not keep up with things as I thought he had. Many of the routine maintenance items that go with owning a home had been neglected due to his poor health. It's been a challenge to get everything back to where it should be, but with the help from Evan, Caleb, and my friends at church it's much better than it was.
I also missed the news. John always watched the news and would tell me what was going on in the world. It irritated him that I didn't watch it, but at the same time, he enjoyed telling me because he could put his spin on the events, especially politics. Luckily, we usually agreed on what candidates we supported! I've now started watching the news in the morning while getting ready for work and I've found other people to talk about current events with.
These may seem like simple, unimportant things to miss, but they're important to me. We will all miss something different when a relationship ends for any reason. There are so many facets of a relationship that we easily take for granted, and when the relationship ends it's sometimes difficult to realize exactly what we've lost. I challenge you to think about what you miss about a special person who has left your life. Once you identify the missing element(s), figure out how to replace it to fill the hole in your life. You'll be happier when you do.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come
The first would be a good hug! John was a large man and could wrap his arms around me for a big, comforting hug. I realized very quickly that this was missing after he was gone. Once I made this discovery, I figured out how to fix it. I go to church with lots of wonderful people who have been there for me through thick and thin. They are huggers for the most part, so all I had to do was offer a hug and get one in return. Easy fix!
Another missing element was the handy-man that John was. He was good at fixing things, hanging pictures, and taking care of things outside. I never mowed the lawn or edged it. I rarely changed light bulbs or air filters. If I wanted something done I would ask him about it and he would figure out the best way. Once again, I turned to my church family. There are several men in the congregation who have the "honey-do" capability. One of my door knobs had to be replaced, so all I had to do was ask and it was done. They have also checked things like the vents and roof. I also have my two sons who are old enough to be helpful. They took over the lawn mowing and edging chores, and can be counted on for simple home maintenance chores, like changing air filters. Luckily, Caleb had been taught by his father where things were and how they work. I've had to pick his brain several times about different things that John used to take care of. One thing I found out after John died was that he did not keep up with things as I thought he had. Many of the routine maintenance items that go with owning a home had been neglected due to his poor health. It's been a challenge to get everything back to where it should be, but with the help from Evan, Caleb, and my friends at church it's much better than it was.
I also missed the news. John always watched the news and would tell me what was going on in the world. It irritated him that I didn't watch it, but at the same time, he enjoyed telling me because he could put his spin on the events, especially politics. Luckily, we usually agreed on what candidates we supported! I've now started watching the news in the morning while getting ready for work and I've found other people to talk about current events with.
These may seem like simple, unimportant things to miss, but they're important to me. We will all miss something different when a relationship ends for any reason. There are so many facets of a relationship that we easily take for granted, and when the relationship ends it's sometimes difficult to realize exactly what we've lost. I challenge you to think about what you miss about a special person who has left your life. Once you identify the missing element(s), figure out how to replace it to fill the hole in your life. You'll be happier when you do.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come
Friday, December 16, 2011
Christmas freedom
Christmas was not a happy time during my marriage. There were always unfulfilled expectations, different expectations, and confusing expectations. This all led to hurt feelings and tense holidays.
As a child I grew up in a basically happy, all-American family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all lived within 100 miles, so we were all together for major holidays and several other times each year. I loved it! As the first girl child on my mother's side, I really loved it! We weren't rich or privileged, but we had what we needed and we had family. Christmas was a special time. Christmas eve was spent with one set of grandparents going to a midnight church service that ended with candles held aloft and everyone singing "Silent Night". Then Christmas day was spent with the other set of grandparents and all the extended family opening presents, eating a wonderful dinner, and playing with my cousins.
Unfortunately, my husband did not have the wonderful Christmas memories that I have. He came from a military family who moved every few years at the whim of the government. They didn't live close to either set of relatives with one side in Kentucky and the other in New Mexico. When I met him he had a very "bah humbug" attitude towards Christmas. To listen to him it was easy to believe that he didn't receive anything but coal as a child, and didn't have family gatherings. I've since found out that wasn't entirely true, but I bought it then. I'm a "fixer" and "people pleaser", so that meant it was up to me to give him good Christmases! The first few years I really laid it on with presents, Christmas music, decorations, looking at lights, and all the commercial things of the season just to try to give him a good Christmas. However, no matter what I did it never seemed to be what he needed.
To add to the holiday drama, John's birthday was the week before Christmas. Of course, in his mind, his parents had pretty much ignored his birthday and he felt that he never had a good birthday party or birthday presents because it was so close to Christmas. Once again, me to the rescue! He wanted a birthday party, so I gave him not one, but several. With John one was never enough and I never seemed to get it right. After a few years I became irritated that a grown man needed to have a birthday party every year. Finally, the year before he died, I seemed to have gotten it right. I took him to The Melting Pot with another couple and he said he finally felt special. It only took me 15 years to figure out what he wanted. Maybe that's because he didn't tell me about the fondue birthday parties he enjoyed as a child until our 15th year together!
Back to the Christmas drama. John wanted a decorated tree, but was not about to help with it, so Caleb, Evan and I would decorate it every year. Once it was done John would tell us what we did wrong. I asked for outside lights to be put up, but that was too much trouble. John would always give me a long list of what he wanted for Christmas. I began to wonder if I was gaining weight and wearing too much red! He truly expected to get most of what was on his list too. Then he would ask me to give him a list for myself. That is just not in my nature. I've always believed that if someone wants to buy me a gift, it should be a gift from the heart - not something that I've asked for. If I know what I'm getting, then the pleasure of opening the gift is gone for me. With such vastly different expectations for Christmas we were set up for trouble. Therefore, every year Christmas was a time filled with tension, disappointment, and disagreements.
The first Christmas after John passed away the boys and I didn't do much. I wasn't even going to put up a tree, but Caleb and Evan talked me into it. I don't remember shopping or sending cards, but I think I must have. I do remember that there was no tension or unfulfilled expectations, and that was a relief! The next Christmas I took the boys to North Carolina and we got snowed in. We had a great time seeing a part of the country we'd never been to, especially when it was covered in a beautiful white blanket. We all have very fond memories of that trip, and most of all we remember that there was no drama and no tension. This year we'll have Christmas at home with a few friends coming over for dinner. The plan is for a laid back kind of day, eating when we want to and just enjoying each other's company with no high expectations, therefore, no disappointments.
John is gone, but along with his passing went the difficult holidays, so some things do get better. This may not be true for everyone who has lost someone who was a big part of their life, but take a look at your life after their death or after the end of a relationship. Sure, there are things you miss, but there are also some silver linings in those clouds and you probably won't have to look very hard to find them.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!
As a child I grew up in a basically happy, all-American family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all lived within 100 miles, so we were all together for major holidays and several other times each year. I loved it! As the first girl child on my mother's side, I really loved it! We weren't rich or privileged, but we had what we needed and we had family. Christmas was a special time. Christmas eve was spent with one set of grandparents going to a midnight church service that ended with candles held aloft and everyone singing "Silent Night". Then Christmas day was spent with the other set of grandparents and all the extended family opening presents, eating a wonderful dinner, and playing with my cousins.
Unfortunately, my husband did not have the wonderful Christmas memories that I have. He came from a military family who moved every few years at the whim of the government. They didn't live close to either set of relatives with one side in Kentucky and the other in New Mexico. When I met him he had a very "bah humbug" attitude towards Christmas. To listen to him it was easy to believe that he didn't receive anything but coal as a child, and didn't have family gatherings. I've since found out that wasn't entirely true, but I bought it then. I'm a "fixer" and "people pleaser", so that meant it was up to me to give him good Christmases! The first few years I really laid it on with presents, Christmas music, decorations, looking at lights, and all the commercial things of the season just to try to give him a good Christmas. However, no matter what I did it never seemed to be what he needed.
To add to the holiday drama, John's birthday was the week before Christmas. Of course, in his mind, his parents had pretty much ignored his birthday and he felt that he never had a good birthday party or birthday presents because it was so close to Christmas. Once again, me to the rescue! He wanted a birthday party, so I gave him not one, but several. With John one was never enough and I never seemed to get it right. After a few years I became irritated that a grown man needed to have a birthday party every year. Finally, the year before he died, I seemed to have gotten it right. I took him to The Melting Pot with another couple and he said he finally felt special. It only took me 15 years to figure out what he wanted. Maybe that's because he didn't tell me about the fondue birthday parties he enjoyed as a child until our 15th year together!
Back to the Christmas drama. John wanted a decorated tree, but was not about to help with it, so Caleb, Evan and I would decorate it every year. Once it was done John would tell us what we did wrong. I asked for outside lights to be put up, but that was too much trouble. John would always give me a long list of what he wanted for Christmas. I began to wonder if I was gaining weight and wearing too much red! He truly expected to get most of what was on his list too. Then he would ask me to give him a list for myself. That is just not in my nature. I've always believed that if someone wants to buy me a gift, it should be a gift from the heart - not something that I've asked for. If I know what I'm getting, then the pleasure of opening the gift is gone for me. With such vastly different expectations for Christmas we were set up for trouble. Therefore, every year Christmas was a time filled with tension, disappointment, and disagreements.
The first Christmas after John passed away the boys and I didn't do much. I wasn't even going to put up a tree, but Caleb and Evan talked me into it. I don't remember shopping or sending cards, but I think I must have. I do remember that there was no tension or unfulfilled expectations, and that was a relief! The next Christmas I took the boys to North Carolina and we got snowed in. We had a great time seeing a part of the country we'd never been to, especially when it was covered in a beautiful white blanket. We all have very fond memories of that trip, and most of all we remember that there was no drama and no tension. This year we'll have Christmas at home with a few friends coming over for dinner. The plan is for a laid back kind of day, eating when we want to and just enjoying each other's company with no high expectations, therefore, no disappointments.
John is gone, but along with his passing went the difficult holidays, so some things do get better. This may not be true for everyone who has lost someone who was a big part of their life, but take a look at your life after their death or after the end of a relationship. Sure, there are things you miss, but there are also some silver linings in those clouds and you probably won't have to look very hard to find them.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Hasty decisions
One thing about being a widow that's a little tricky is making decisions. For many years there was a partner to talk the decisions through with, and, even though we may not have always agreed, at least there's someone to discuss things with. As a widow, there's really no one. Sure, there are friends, but they don't know me the way my husband did. They mean well, but their lives are different than my life in so many ways. There are also family members who would be willing to help with the decisions, but, again, they don't have the intimate knowledge that a husband has. Plus, there's the feeling of not wanting to be a burden to someone else, so it seems better to make decisions alone.
One of the first things I had to decide was what to do with the "stuff" that belonged to my husband. As I mentioned before, my husband was a collector of many things and never threw anything out, so this was an enormous job! Lots of well-meaning people advised me to just get a dumpster and have it hauled away, but I wanted to do right by John and find the right places for as many things as possible. The boy scout memorabelia should go to someone who would appreciate it, so lots of things were sent back to the troop that John had started in Albuquerque. Then, several of the antique boy scout books went to the Tennessee museum for their boy scout display.
I could bore you with many of the other dispositions of items, but, basically, I gave away what I knew should go to certain people or places, and sold most of the rest. Some of the decisions were made hastily, but I don't regret them. One thing I made sure to do was to check with our son, Caleb, before getting rid of anything to make sure he didn't want to keep it. Most of it he was happy to get rid of, but there were a few things he wanted to keep, like the hot sauce collection. In the kitchen we have two cabinets that are almost full of different bottles of hot sauce - I lost count at 500! It's a great collection and catches the eye of everyone who comes in. I think Caleb's decision to keep it was smart and he'll enjoy it in his own home someday.
One of my worst decisions was made during a vacation with some friends about six months after John passed away. We were staying in a time share and really enjoying ourselves. My sons were commenting on how much fun they were having and how nice it would be to have a place like that for vacations. I asked at the front desk to talk to someone about purchasing a time share. The person I asked wanted to know if my spouse was with me and I told her I was a widow. Then she asked the question that rubbed me the wrong way - "Can you afford this on your own?" Wrong thing to say to me at that time in my life.....I was already feeling vulnerable and took offense to this comment, so then I had to prove something! Stupid move on my part! Long story short, I ended up buying a time share, but didn't consider when or how we would be able to use it. We've used it a few times, but the procedure to reserve a place is cumbersome, and other considerations have to be made, such as getting time off from work and transportation. It may turn out to be something that I'll be glad to have someday, but I've really regretted jumping into it so quickly.
My advice is to take your time making decisions. Not only the big ones, but the little, seemingly meaningless ones as well. If you're not sure of something don't get hooked into the "today is the only day this deal is available" sales pitch. It will still be there after you've taken some time to think and talk it over with someone whose opinion you value. Always remember, God is in control and He's happy to guide you along if you let Him.
Thanks for taking this journey with me...more to come!
One of the first things I had to decide was what to do with the "stuff" that belonged to my husband. As I mentioned before, my husband was a collector of many things and never threw anything out, so this was an enormous job! Lots of well-meaning people advised me to just get a dumpster and have it hauled away, but I wanted to do right by John and find the right places for as many things as possible. The boy scout memorabelia should go to someone who would appreciate it, so lots of things were sent back to the troop that John had started in Albuquerque. Then, several of the antique boy scout books went to the Tennessee museum for their boy scout display.
I could bore you with many of the other dispositions of items, but, basically, I gave away what I knew should go to certain people or places, and sold most of the rest. Some of the decisions were made hastily, but I don't regret them. One thing I made sure to do was to check with our son, Caleb, before getting rid of anything to make sure he didn't want to keep it. Most of it he was happy to get rid of, but there were a few things he wanted to keep, like the hot sauce collection. In the kitchen we have two cabinets that are almost full of different bottles of hot sauce - I lost count at 500! It's a great collection and catches the eye of everyone who comes in. I think Caleb's decision to keep it was smart and he'll enjoy it in his own home someday.
One of my worst decisions was made during a vacation with some friends about six months after John passed away. We were staying in a time share and really enjoying ourselves. My sons were commenting on how much fun they were having and how nice it would be to have a place like that for vacations. I asked at the front desk to talk to someone about purchasing a time share. The person I asked wanted to know if my spouse was with me and I told her I was a widow. Then she asked the question that rubbed me the wrong way - "Can you afford this on your own?" Wrong thing to say to me at that time in my life.....I was already feeling vulnerable and took offense to this comment, so then I had to prove something! Stupid move on my part! Long story short, I ended up buying a time share, but didn't consider when or how we would be able to use it. We've used it a few times, but the procedure to reserve a place is cumbersome, and other considerations have to be made, such as getting time off from work and transportation. It may turn out to be something that I'll be glad to have someday, but I've really regretted jumping into it so quickly.
My advice is to take your time making decisions. Not only the big ones, but the little, seemingly meaningless ones as well. If you're not sure of something don't get hooked into the "today is the only day this deal is available" sales pitch. It will still be there after you've taken some time to think and talk it over with someone whose opinion you value. Always remember, God is in control and He's happy to guide you along if you let Him.
Thanks for taking this journey with me...more to come!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Irony
There is some satisfaction in irony, otherwise known as God's sense of humor. I find it interesting to observe how things turn out and I particularly enjoy ironic situations.
As I noted before, John was a collector of many things and he never got rid of anything, therefore my sons and I had an enormous task before us when he died. What do we do with all of this stuff??? One of John's prized possessions was a 1979 Harley Davidson motorcycle. He rode it when we lived in New Mexico, but only rode it once after we moved to Tennessee. He always had an excuse - didn't like the helmet law, needed engine work, wanted an electric starter, and so on. So, the bike sat in our garage for 8 years and, at the time of his death, it wouldn't even start up. He left it to Caleb in his will. Now, what is a 15 year old who doesn't drive and barely weighs 110 pounds going to do with a heavy, fast, old Harley that doesn't run? It would be years before Caleb could handle the bike and it had already been sitting around for too long, so Caleb made the right decision and said he would sell it and use the money for his first vehicle. Wise choice! First we had to have it repaired so it would run. Luckily we knew someone who had a repair shop that worked on motorcycles. He picked it up and seemed to actually have fun working on it. When he had it running we put it on craigs list and waited, and waited, and reposted, and waited........ I talked to people constantly about it, hoping that someone would want to buy it, but no luck. This went on for over a year.
Then it happened...a soldier from Fort Campbell called me and couldn't wait to see the Harley! This young man was part of a group of soldiers who disarm bombs and they had just returned from Iraq. He and two others came to see the Harley after work one evening. The bike was exactly what he was looking for because he wanted an old Harley to tear down and rebuild. The way I see it, this was God's plan all along - that this soldier should have this Harley. The reason it didn't sell sooner was because he was in Iraq. It was meant to be his, so no one else could buy it. Some people may think I've taken the predestination thing a little too far here, but it makes sense to me.
Here's the irony.....my husband was a Marine and very proud of it (as he should have been). He always thought that any other branch of the service was inferior, but especially the Army! As this soldier drove off with John's Harley in the back of his truck I looked at my son, Evan, and said "John has to be rolling over in his grave right now!" He was thinking the same thing.
To take that irony a little further, Evan found the perfect truck for Caleb to purchase as his first vehicle - a beautiful silver Ford Ranger pick-up. Caleb fell in love with it as soon as he saw it and knew it was meant to be his. The guy who owned it was selling it because he was in the Army and being transferred to Germany for three years! Oh, sweet irony!
In my last entry I didn't come right out and give any advice, but I hope it was understood that I was saying "Just rely on God". Follow His lead and you'll be fine, but you have to be ready to take the curves in the road because it's not always going to be smooth and straight. Today's entry is more of the same...wait on God and He will make things happen perfectly. Try not to be in a hurry because God seems to do His best work when we give him space and time. Relax and watch...you won't be disappointed.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come.
As I noted before, John was a collector of many things and he never got rid of anything, therefore my sons and I had an enormous task before us when he died. What do we do with all of this stuff??? One of John's prized possessions was a 1979 Harley Davidson motorcycle. He rode it when we lived in New Mexico, but only rode it once after we moved to Tennessee. He always had an excuse - didn't like the helmet law, needed engine work, wanted an electric starter, and so on. So, the bike sat in our garage for 8 years and, at the time of his death, it wouldn't even start up. He left it to Caleb in his will. Now, what is a 15 year old who doesn't drive and barely weighs 110 pounds going to do with a heavy, fast, old Harley that doesn't run? It would be years before Caleb could handle the bike and it had already been sitting around for too long, so Caleb made the right decision and said he would sell it and use the money for his first vehicle. Wise choice! First we had to have it repaired so it would run. Luckily we knew someone who had a repair shop that worked on motorcycles. He picked it up and seemed to actually have fun working on it. When he had it running we put it on craigs list and waited, and waited, and reposted, and waited........ I talked to people constantly about it, hoping that someone would want to buy it, but no luck. This went on for over a year.
Then it happened...a soldier from Fort Campbell called me and couldn't wait to see the Harley! This young man was part of a group of soldiers who disarm bombs and they had just returned from Iraq. He and two others came to see the Harley after work one evening. The bike was exactly what he was looking for because he wanted an old Harley to tear down and rebuild. The way I see it, this was God's plan all along - that this soldier should have this Harley. The reason it didn't sell sooner was because he was in Iraq. It was meant to be his, so no one else could buy it. Some people may think I've taken the predestination thing a little too far here, but it makes sense to me.
Here's the irony.....my husband was a Marine and very proud of it (as he should have been). He always thought that any other branch of the service was inferior, but especially the Army! As this soldier drove off with John's Harley in the back of his truck I looked at my son, Evan, and said "John has to be rolling over in his grave right now!" He was thinking the same thing.
To take that irony a little further, Evan found the perfect truck for Caleb to purchase as his first vehicle - a beautiful silver Ford Ranger pick-up. Caleb fell in love with it as soon as he saw it and knew it was meant to be his. The guy who owned it was selling it because he was in the Army and being transferred to Germany for three years! Oh, sweet irony!
In my last entry I didn't come right out and give any advice, but I hope it was understood that I was saying "Just rely on God". Follow His lead and you'll be fine, but you have to be ready to take the curves in the road because it's not always going to be smooth and straight. Today's entry is more of the same...wait on God and He will make things happen perfectly. Try not to be in a hurry because God seems to do His best work when we give him space and time. Relax and watch...you won't be disappointed.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come.
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