What's a widow to do? I was widowed in my fifties, which is certainly young enough to consider having another relationship in my life. Do I want one? Do I want to get married again? Tough questions.
As I've mentioned, my husband was rather controlling and quite dominant. After being single again for over two years, I feel like I've found myself and I've left behind the "married" me. I'm enjoying being single, thinking for myself, going where I want to go & when I want to go. Yet, there's something missing in my life - a partner. My sons are with me, but they can't fill that hole. There are times when I just want an adult to talk to. Girl friends are good for that, but sometimes having a man's opinion is important.
I once saw a saying that went like this: "It takes a mighty good husband to be better than none". I cut it out and hung it on my bulletin board because I believe it to be true. When I think about getting married again, I cringe. Could I ever allow another man to have that kind of control over me again? Do I want to pick up someone's dirty socks? Do I want to have to cook again? Do I want to have sex again? So much to consider, and how do I sort it out?
What traits would I look for in a man? My instinct is to go for someone who is completely opposite of my husband. But, wait, John did have some good points. I always felt safe with him. He was a Marine, he knew how to handle weapons, and I knew he was always watchful. I never had a reason to be afraid if he was near. John was also very intelligent and could carry on an interesting conversation. This is important to me because I crave mental stimulation and love to learn. Then there are the bad habits to steer away from like the impulsive buying, having to be the center of attention, not helping with the housework, and always asking me what was for dinner when I was still at work and he was already home!
Then, where would I look for a man if I decide I want one? My church is very small and has very few single men with virtually none in my age bracket. Meeting someone in a bar is usually not good for the long term. I work for a fairly large company, but dating someone from work is not a good idea, and there's no one there I would be interested in. I believe a friend of a friend would be a good idea, but my friends don't seem to hang out with single men my age! What's left? Maybe internet dating? Scary idea, but with caution it could work.
So, on-line I went. Someone says to try plentyoffish.com because it's free. I gave that one a few months and had lots of laughs. There are a few decent men, but the majority don't have much going for them which is why they're on a free site! I met two. One never got off the ground and the other was good for a few dates until I realized he didn't share my Christian faith and had no desire to go to church. This is important to me, so it was time to move on.
The next site I tried was match.com. Another joke! Don't believe the commercials on television for this one. They kept sending me the same men I had already turned down. Then there were a couple of men who looked and sounded really good. That is, until we started e-mailing back and forth and I learned that they couldn't spell or put together a coherent sentence! I wonder who wrote their profiles? No luck there.
I was about to give up on this type of dating when I came across seniorpeoplemeet.com, a site for people 50 and over. Maybe limiting the site to people of my age group would make a difference. I signed up and started looking. Over the months on the other sites I had developed a type of criteria that I would go by. The first thing was looks. No, he didn't have to be the most handsome man I'd ever seen. What I was looking for was someone I would enjoy looking at when I woke up in the morning. Then he had to be intelligent - able to write and spell and have varied interests. I'm not a sports fan, so the big football, basketball and Nascar fans didn't get my attention. Of course, he had to be a Christian and like going to church.
One of the surprises I ran into was men who were put off by my sons living with me. Some didn't even like the fact that I had sons. What was that all about? Competition? I found that to be very strange. Another man took offense that I have a son who wants to be a police officer. I believe that to be a very noble, underpaid profession, and where would we be without police officers? Yes, there are some strange ones out there!
I always asked the men to write back and forth several times before I would consider giving out my phone number, so I took this very slowly. If we made it to the phone number stage, we would talk on the phone several times before I would consider meeting him. Then, if we made it to actually meeting, I would tell my sons where I was going and when I would be back. There were only 3 that I actually met. The two I mentioned before and one from seniorpeoplemeet.com. The last one broke several of my "rules" and I never noticed until later. We e-mailed a few times, but skipped the phone conversations. He lived in Chattanooga, which was farther than I wanted to go, but he was very eager to meet me and didn't mind driving. So, we went from e-mail directly to coffee at Starbuck's. As I was waiting for him to arrive I realized I had never heard his voice and started to wonder if I would recognize him. This wasn't a problem.
We hit it off immediately and talked for 4 hours thru coffee and then dinner. My son called me a few times to make sure I was alright and this didn't bother my new friend at all. He was actually impressed that my boys watch out for me. The next week-end he was back to take me out on a real date, which was incredibly fun! He's been back every week-end that he could come for the last 3 months. He's a gentleman, loves going to church with me, gets along great with my boys, and even likes my dogs! We have many things in common and we have great conversations. There's still the issue of him living 2 hours away, but he's working on that.
I'm still not sure I want to get married again, but I'm really enjoying the attention and going out. I know I don't have to decide right away and he knows not to ask me. If it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, I've learned how to have fun again and I'm discovering what it's like to be treated like a lady. My boys and my friends say they've noticed that I'm happier now and I don't get stressed out easily. I find that by the time Saturday morning comes I'm smiling and singing, anxiously waiting for my friend to arrive. Will it last? I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
My advice to anyone who has had a serious relationship end, either through death, divorce, or a break up, is to take it easy for awhile. Let the dust settle, sort out your feelings, and learn to be yourself again. Depending on the situation this could take a few months to a few years, and it will be different for everyone. You'll know when you're ready to look again. When that time comes, take it slow and don't jump into a relationship just to be in one. Enjoy it and make sure he treats you like a lady!
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
