In my last entry I mentioned that I had been dating someone for about 3 months. I thought it was going well until he completely disappeared from my life about 2 weeks ago! We had made plans for the week-end on Wednesday night and that was the last I heard from him. I sent several texts and left messages, but got nothing back. I checked the hospitals and the morgue, but he wasn't there. After a week I called the apartments where he lives and asked them to check on him because I knew he lived alone and was worried that he'd had an accident. They called me back and said he was okay. He still hasn't called me, so I'm left wondering what went wrong.
As humans are prone to do, I've looked back over the last 3 months and dissected the times we spent together. Several "red flags" have popped up that I failed to see before. The first one I mentioned in my last entry - the fact that we went right from e-mailing to meeting without any phone conversations. He was really in a hurry to meet me. That should have at least sent me a yellow caution flag! If someone is that anxious to drive 2 hours to have coffee with someone they met on-line, there's probably something wrong. Instead I was flattered that he would do that....pretty naive now that I look back on it.
After we'd only known each other a few weeks he started saying he loved me and talking about marriage. I put a stop to the marriage talk quickly because I'm not ready to consider that yet, may never be, and wouldn't consider marrying someone I'd just met. I told him he couldn't even ask me for at least 6 months. When he asked why I told him because he wouldn't get the answer he wanted. He seemed okay with this and just made jokes about counting down the days. This was rather endearing, but definitely a red flag.
At Christmas he bought me expensive presents and even purchased gift cards for my sons. I also gave him nice presents. Nothing too strange there, but when my birthday came a few weeks later he didn't get me a gift. He brought me the usual bouquet of flowers when he got here and he took me to dinner, but those had become every week-end occurrences. I didn't say anything about the absence of a birthday gift and just figured he didn't do birthdays! Then Valentine's day came and he showed up with 2 bouquets of flowers and a box of candy! The strange thing about this was that we had had more than one conversation about how we both preferred dark chocolate, but the candy was milk chocolate. I thought that was odd, but didn't mention it and let him know that I appreciated what he had given me. Little red flags that I didn't pay attention to.
Then there came the time when I realized that he knew everything about my life - my friends, my church, my home, my family, my favorite restaurants, etc., however, I knew very little about his life. I hadn't met his family or friends, hadn't seen where or how he lived, and really didn't know anything about his day to day existence. I mentioned this and said I'd like to visit him. He seemed fine with the idea, so we started looking for a time when I could do this, and I began to notice his interest in me cooling off. He stopped saying he loved me and never mentioned marriage or counting down the days. He didn't text me as much and didn't answer my calls as quickly. Red flags began waving in front of my face! Something was definitely not right. I had decided to confront him the next week-end, but never had the chance because that's when he disappeared from my radar. I'll never know what went wrong, but I have a few theories and thoughts.
He told me he was having a rough time at work and there were things happening that would probably cause someone to get fired. I asked if he thought his job was in danger and he said he thought it would be someone else. Theory #1 is that he got fired and was too embarrassed to tell me. This doesn't say much for his opinion of me or his backbone.
Here's the background for theory #2. One time when we were out to dinner I had seen an old neighbor of mine and given him a hug. I had introduced him to my friend, talked a few minutes, and then he left. Nothing more was said until a few days later when my friend accused me of going out with this guy. I assured him there was no interest on either side, but was perplexed that he would accuse me of that. Was he that insecure and jealous? Those are two things I don't deal well with because I don't play those games. What may have made this even worse was that the company I work for awards their employees something very nice for 10 years of service and I received my diamond pendant the next week. I was excited and told him about it, not thinking of the other incident. Did he connect the two and think I was cheating on him? That's my son's theory. I never would have thought of it. Again, that doesn't say much for his opinion of me, and it's pretty spineless for him not to ask me.
Theory #3 is that he didn't live the life he had portrayed to me and when I started wanting to visit his part of the world he couldn't let me without giving himself away as a liar.
There are many other theories, but it really doesn't matter because there's nothing short of being hospitalized, dead, or in jail that would forgive his complete lack of communication. I've learned something from this experience, which is not to break my rules and not to get carried away by pretty words and attention. Will I quit dating because of this? No, I've now seen what it can be like to be treated well and taken out. Quite frankly, I enjoyed it. Will I be more careful now? You bet! I'll be looking for those red flags and if I see one it will be talked about immediately.
I always try to learn from my mistakes and I believe that's good advice. I'll also continue to work on listening to God and allowing Him to lead me. I believe the red flags are God's way of saying "Hey, something isn't right here. You need to pay attention!" I hope you'll pay attention to any red flags you find in relationships and listen to God as he leads you.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!
