Christmas freedom

Christmas was not a happy time during my marriage.  There were always unfulfilled expectations, different expectations, and confusing expectations.  This all led to hurt feelings and tense holidays.

As a child I grew up in a basically happy, all-American family.  My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all lived within 100 miles, so we were all together for major holidays and several other times each year.  I loved it! As the first girl child on my mother's side, I really loved it! We weren't rich or privileged, but we had what we needed and we had family.  Christmas was a special time. Christmas eve was spent with one set of grandparents going to a midnight church service that ended with candles held aloft and everyone singing "Silent Night". Then Christmas day was spent with the other set of grandparents and all the extended family opening presents, eating a wonderful dinner, and playing with my cousins.

Unfortunately, my husband did not have the wonderful Christmas memories that I have.  He came from a military family who moved every few years at the whim of the government. They didn't live close to either set of relatives with one side in Kentucky and the other in New Mexico. When I met him he had a very "bah humbug" attitude towards Christmas.  To listen to him it was easy to believe that he didn't receive anything but coal as a child, and didn't have family gatherings.  I've since found out that wasn't entirely true, but I bought it then.  I'm a "fixer" and "people pleaser", so that meant it was up to me to give him good Christmases!  The first few years I really laid it on with presents, Christmas music, decorations, looking at lights, and all the commercial things of the season just to try to give him a good Christmas. However, no matter what I did it never seemed to be what he needed.

To add to the holiday drama, John's birthday was the week before Christmas.  Of course, in his mind, his parents had pretty much ignored his birthday and he felt that he never had a good birthday party or birthday presents because it was so close to Christmas.  Once again, me to the rescue! He wanted a birthday party, so I gave him not one, but several.  With John one was never enough and I never seemed to get it right.  After a few years I became irritated that a grown man needed to have a birthday party every year. Finally, the year before he died, I seemed to have gotten it right. I took him to The Melting Pot with another couple and he said he finally felt special. It only took me 15 years to figure out what he wanted. Maybe that's because he didn't tell me about the fondue birthday parties he enjoyed as a child until our 15th year together!

Back to the Christmas drama.  John wanted a decorated tree, but was not about to help with it, so Caleb, Evan and I would decorate it every year. Once it was done John would tell us what we did wrong.  I asked for outside lights to be put up, but that was too much trouble.  John would always give me a long list of what he wanted for Christmas.  I began to wonder if I was gaining weight and wearing too much red! He truly expected to get most of what was on his list too.  Then he would ask me to give him a list for myself.  That is just not in my nature.  I've always believed that if someone wants to buy me a gift, it should be a gift from the heart - not something that I've asked for. If I know what I'm getting, then the pleasure of opening the gift is gone for me.  With such vastly different expectations for Christmas we were set up for trouble.  Therefore, every year Christmas was a time filled with tension, disappointment, and disagreements.

The first Christmas after John passed away the boys and I didn't do much.  I wasn't even going to put up a tree, but Caleb and Evan talked me into it.  I don't remember shopping or sending cards, but I think I must have.  I do remember that there was no tension or unfulfilled expectations, and that was a relief! The next Christmas I took the boys to North Carolina and we got snowed in.  We had a great time seeing a part of the country we'd never been to, especially when it was covered in a beautiful white blanket.  We all have very fond memories of that trip, and most of all we remember that there was no drama and no tension. This year we'll have Christmas at home with a few friends coming over for dinner.  The plan is for a laid back kind of day, eating when we want to and just enjoying each other's company with no high expectations, therefore, no disappointments.

  John is gone, but along with his passing went the difficult holidays, so some things do get better. This may not be true for everyone who has lost someone who was a big part of their life, but take a look at your life after their death or after the end of a relationship.  Sure, there are things you miss, but there are also some silver linings in those clouds and you probably won't have to look very hard to find them.

Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!

Hasty decisions

One thing about being a widow that's a little tricky is making decisions.  For many years there was a partner to talk the decisions through with, and, even though we may not have always agreed, at least there's someone to discuss things with.  As a widow, there's really no one.  Sure, there are friends, but they don't know me the way my husband did.  They mean well, but their lives are different than my life in so many ways.  There are also family members who would be willing to help with the decisions, but, again, they don't have the intimate knowledge that a husband has.  Plus, there's the feeling of not wanting to be a burden to someone else, so it seems better to make decisions alone.

One of the first things I had to decide was what to do with the "stuff" that belonged to my husband.  As I mentioned before, my husband was a collector of many things and never threw anything out, so this was an enormous job! Lots of well-meaning people advised me to just get a dumpster and have it hauled away, but I wanted to do right by John and find the right places for as many things as possible.  The boy scout memorabelia should go to someone who would appreciate it, so lots of things were sent back to the troop that John had started in Albuquerque.  Then, several of the antique boy scout books went to the Tennessee museum for their boy scout display. 

I could bore you with many of the other dispositions of items, but, basically, I gave away what I knew should go to certain people or places, and sold most of the rest.  Some of the decisions were made hastily, but I don't regret them.  One thing I made sure to do was to check with our son, Caleb, before getting rid of anything to make sure he didn't want to keep it.  Most of it he was happy to get rid of, but there were a few things he wanted to keep, like the hot sauce collection.  In the kitchen we have two cabinets that are almost full of different bottles of hot sauce - I lost count at 500!  It's a great collection and catches the eye of everyone who comes in.  I think Caleb's decision to keep it was smart and he'll enjoy it in his own home someday.

One of my worst decisions was made during a vacation with some friends about six months after John passed away.  We were staying in a time share and really enjoying ourselves.  My sons were commenting on how much fun they were having and how nice it would be to have a place like that for vacations.  I asked at the front desk to talk to someone about purchasing a time share.  The person I asked wanted to know if my spouse was with me and I told her I was a widow.  Then she asked the question that rubbed me the wrong way - "Can you afford this on your own?" Wrong thing to say to me at that time in my life.....I was already feeling vulnerable and took offense to this comment, so then I had to prove something! Stupid move on my part! Long story short, I ended up buying a time share, but didn't consider when or how we would be able to use it.  We've used it a few times, but the procedure to reserve a place is cumbersome, and other considerations have to be made, such as getting time off from work and transportation.  It may turn out to be something that I'll be glad to have someday, but I've really regretted jumping into it so quickly.

My advice is to take your time making decisions.  Not only the big ones, but the little, seemingly meaningless ones as well.  If you're not sure of something don't get hooked into the "today is the only day this deal is available" sales pitch.  It will still be there after you've taken some time to think and talk it over with someone whose opinion you value. Always remember, God is in control and He's happy to guide you along if you let Him.

Thanks for taking this journey with me...more to come!