"Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining." Lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Kutless. This became my mantra during the first year or so after John passed away. No, I wasn't about to give up, and I knew the sun was shining, but some things were still difficult. If I looked for the silver linings I was able to focus better and appreciate my circumstances. This became very true for Caleb as well.
I remember walking through Walmart with Caleb one day and explaining to him about silver linings. I told him it's always healthy to look for the good that can come out of something bad. I used his 16th birthday party as an example. He had asked to have the party at home with some of his friends so they could use the hot tub, sauna, and Wii. I didn't have a problem with that, even though the room containing those items was located off my bedroom/bathroom. I believe there were 7-8 teens that day and they all appeared to have a great time between soaking in the hot tub, trying to get the sauna to work, and playing games. Caleb had a large arsenal of Nerf guns, so it was inevitable that they would come out at some point. Imagine my surprise when I walked through my bedroom to find a Nerf war in full swing with one kid using my bed as a wall to hide behind and another one using my bathtub as a bunker! All I could do was laugh and be happy that they were having fun and Caleb was having a great birthday with his friends. As I thought about the day later I realized that if John had been alive that party would not have happened. He didn't like disturbances (like noisy kids), and he definitely would not have allowed them into our bedroom, bathroom, or the hot tub area! So, the silver lining for Caleb was being able to have the great birthday that he envisioned with his friends, which never would have happened if his father was still with us.
Some might say that it would be better to have his father than to have the birthday party he wanted, however, in Caleb's case this was probably not so. John was a very controlling father, to the point of having Caleb's life planned out for him. John had been a Marine, so he wanted Caleb to be a Marine. His idea of college for Caleb was the Naval Academy and then entry into the Marines as an officer. This was never what Caleb wanted, but when he tried to talk to his father he didn't get far and ended up very upset. One of Caleb's first questions after his father died was if he would still have to go to the Naval Academy. I assured him that he could choose his college as long as he attended one, but that out of respect to his father I wanted him to at least visit the Naval Academy. He agreed and went for a tour with John's brother who lives near the Academy. Caleb immediately knew that it wasn't the place for him. Another silver lining? Perhaps.
As kids do, Caleb had entertained several ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. One day at the end of his sophomore year I asked him if he had made any decisions in this area. I was surprised when he said yes, but didn't elaborate. I asked if he was going to tell me and again got a "yes", but nothing else. I finally pulled out of him that he wanted to be a police officer and had made this decision several years before. When I asked why he hadn't said anything sooner he explained that his father would have made fun of him, and he was right. John was not a fan of the police and made fun of them at every opportunity. I told him I understood and would support his decision. He already had a college selected with the program of study that he would need. How awesome that he knows what he wants to do with his life and what he has to do to make it happen! I'm very proud of him for that and I believe this is another silver lining for him.
Please don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things that Caleb's father did for him. Caleb was raised wtih manners and discipline. He was taught right from wrong and raised in church with good core values. He was taught how to use tools, how to treat others, and was shown a strong work ethic. He was taught "man things" that I would never be able to attempt to teach him (and truly don't understand!) All of these things are woven into the man that he's becoming. So many people who know Caleb have commented on how his personality has developed and how he's become his own person in the past 2 years. He's funny, intelligent, respectful, and is comfortable carrying on a conversation with anyone at anytime about anything. It's almost like a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon, but this is a butterfly with a mix of his father, myself, many others along the way, and a myriad of experiences. He has pulled things for himself from all of these sources and become Caleb. I'm not sure he would have been allowed to do that if John were still with us. Another silver lining? Possibly.
As blogs sometimes do, this entry has taken on a life of it's own and become more about Caleb than about me. There have also been silver linings for me, however, apparently I wasn't supposed to write about them today! Maybe another time. I would suggest that in whatever "bad" time you might be going through you should look closely and try to find the silver linings. They'll be there, but you may have to pray to see your circumstances in a different light in order to find them. Good luck....it's worth the effort!
Thanks for taking this journey with me. More to come!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
What's missing?
I've written about several things that I don't miss - things that left my life when John passed on. Just to be fair, there are some things that I really do miss.
The first would be a good hug! John was a large man and could wrap his arms around me for a big, comforting hug. I realized very quickly that this was missing after he was gone. Once I made this discovery, I figured out how to fix it. I go to church with lots of wonderful people who have been there for me through thick and thin. They are huggers for the most part, so all I had to do was offer a hug and get one in return. Easy fix!
Another missing element was the handy-man that John was. He was good at fixing things, hanging pictures, and taking care of things outside. I never mowed the lawn or edged it. I rarely changed light bulbs or air filters. If I wanted something done I would ask him about it and he would figure out the best way. Once again, I turned to my church family. There are several men in the congregation who have the "honey-do" capability. One of my door knobs had to be replaced, so all I had to do was ask and it was done. They have also checked things like the vents and roof. I also have my two sons who are old enough to be helpful. They took over the lawn mowing and edging chores, and can be counted on for simple home maintenance chores, like changing air filters. Luckily, Caleb had been taught by his father where things were and how they work. I've had to pick his brain several times about different things that John used to take care of. One thing I found out after John died was that he did not keep up with things as I thought he had. Many of the routine maintenance items that go with owning a home had been neglected due to his poor health. It's been a challenge to get everything back to where it should be, but with the help from Evan, Caleb, and my friends at church it's much better than it was.
I also missed the news. John always watched the news and would tell me what was going on in the world. It irritated him that I didn't watch it, but at the same time, he enjoyed telling me because he could put his spin on the events, especially politics. Luckily, we usually agreed on what candidates we supported! I've now started watching the news in the morning while getting ready for work and I've found other people to talk about current events with.
These may seem like simple, unimportant things to miss, but they're important to me. We will all miss something different when a relationship ends for any reason. There are so many facets of a relationship that we easily take for granted, and when the relationship ends it's sometimes difficult to realize exactly what we've lost. I challenge you to think about what you miss about a special person who has left your life. Once you identify the missing element(s), figure out how to replace it to fill the hole in your life. You'll be happier when you do.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come
The first would be a good hug! John was a large man and could wrap his arms around me for a big, comforting hug. I realized very quickly that this was missing after he was gone. Once I made this discovery, I figured out how to fix it. I go to church with lots of wonderful people who have been there for me through thick and thin. They are huggers for the most part, so all I had to do was offer a hug and get one in return. Easy fix!
Another missing element was the handy-man that John was. He was good at fixing things, hanging pictures, and taking care of things outside. I never mowed the lawn or edged it. I rarely changed light bulbs or air filters. If I wanted something done I would ask him about it and he would figure out the best way. Once again, I turned to my church family. There are several men in the congregation who have the "honey-do" capability. One of my door knobs had to be replaced, so all I had to do was ask and it was done. They have also checked things like the vents and roof. I also have my two sons who are old enough to be helpful. They took over the lawn mowing and edging chores, and can be counted on for simple home maintenance chores, like changing air filters. Luckily, Caleb had been taught by his father where things were and how they work. I've had to pick his brain several times about different things that John used to take care of. One thing I found out after John died was that he did not keep up with things as I thought he had. Many of the routine maintenance items that go with owning a home had been neglected due to his poor health. It's been a challenge to get everything back to where it should be, but with the help from Evan, Caleb, and my friends at church it's much better than it was.
I also missed the news. John always watched the news and would tell me what was going on in the world. It irritated him that I didn't watch it, but at the same time, he enjoyed telling me because he could put his spin on the events, especially politics. Luckily, we usually agreed on what candidates we supported! I've now started watching the news in the morning while getting ready for work and I've found other people to talk about current events with.
These may seem like simple, unimportant things to miss, but they're important to me. We will all miss something different when a relationship ends for any reason. There are so many facets of a relationship that we easily take for granted, and when the relationship ends it's sometimes difficult to realize exactly what we've lost. I challenge you to think about what you miss about a special person who has left your life. Once you identify the missing element(s), figure out how to replace it to fill the hole in your life. You'll be happier when you do.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come
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