"Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining." Lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Kutless. This became my mantra during the first year or so after John passed away. No, I wasn't about to give up, and I knew the sun was shining, but some things were still difficult. If I looked for the silver linings I was able to focus better and appreciate my circumstances. This became very true for Caleb as well.
I remember walking through Walmart with Caleb one day and explaining to him about silver linings. I told him it's always healthy to look for the good that can come out of something bad. I used his 16th birthday party as an example. He had asked to have the party at home with some of his friends so they could use the hot tub, sauna, and Wii. I didn't have a problem with that, even though the room containing those items was located off my bedroom/bathroom. I believe there were 7-8 teens that day and they all appeared to have a great time between soaking in the hot tub, trying to get the sauna to work, and playing games. Caleb had a large arsenal of Nerf guns, so it was inevitable that they would come out at some point. Imagine my surprise when I walked through my bedroom to find a Nerf war in full swing with one kid using my bed as a wall to hide behind and another one using my bathtub as a bunker! All I could do was laugh and be happy that they were having fun and Caleb was having a great birthday with his friends. As I thought about the day later I realized that if John had been alive that party would not have happened. He didn't like disturbances (like noisy kids), and he definitely would not have allowed them into our bedroom, bathroom, or the hot tub area! So, the silver lining for Caleb was being able to have the great birthday that he envisioned with his friends, which never would have happened if his father was still with us.
Some might say that it would be better to have his father than to have the birthday party he wanted, however, in Caleb's case this was probably not so. John was a very controlling father, to the point of having Caleb's life planned out for him. John had been a Marine, so he wanted Caleb to be a Marine. His idea of college for Caleb was the Naval Academy and then entry into the Marines as an officer. This was never what Caleb wanted, but when he tried to talk to his father he didn't get far and ended up very upset. One of Caleb's first questions after his father died was if he would still have to go to the Naval Academy. I assured him that he could choose his college as long as he attended one, but that out of respect to his father I wanted him to at least visit the Naval Academy. He agreed and went for a tour with John's brother who lives near the Academy. Caleb immediately knew that it wasn't the place for him. Another silver lining? Perhaps.
As kids do, Caleb had entertained several ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. One day at the end of his sophomore year I asked him if he had made any decisions in this area. I was surprised when he said yes, but didn't elaborate. I asked if he was going to tell me and again got a "yes", but nothing else. I finally pulled out of him that he wanted to be a police officer and had made this decision several years before. When I asked why he hadn't said anything sooner he explained that his father would have made fun of him, and he was right. John was not a fan of the police and made fun of them at every opportunity. I told him I understood and would support his decision. He already had a college selected with the program of study that he would need. How awesome that he knows what he wants to do with his life and what he has to do to make it happen! I'm very proud of him for that and I believe this is another silver lining for him.
Please don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things that Caleb's father did for him. Caleb was raised wtih manners and discipline. He was taught right from wrong and raised in church with good core values. He was taught how to use tools, how to treat others, and was shown a strong work ethic. He was taught "man things" that I would never be able to attempt to teach him (and truly don't understand!) All of these things are woven into the man that he's becoming. So many people who know Caleb have commented on how his personality has developed and how he's become his own person in the past 2 years. He's funny, intelligent, respectful, and is comfortable carrying on a conversation with anyone at anytime about anything. It's almost like a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon, but this is a butterfly with a mix of his father, myself, many others along the way, and a myriad of experiences. He has pulled things for himself from all of these sources and become Caleb. I'm not sure he would have been allowed to do that if John were still with us. Another silver lining? Possibly.
As blogs sometimes do, this entry has taken on a life of it's own and become more about Caleb than about me. There have also been silver linings for me, however, apparently I wasn't supposed to write about them today! Maybe another time. I would suggest that in whatever "bad" time you might be going through you should look closely and try to find the silver linings. They'll be there, but you may have to pray to see your circumstances in a different light in order to find them. Good luck....it's worth the effort!
Thanks for taking this journey with me. More to come!
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