It's been a very long time since I've posted anything to this blog and there's a good reason for that......I'm no longer a widow!
In case you're wondering how this came about I'll give a brief synopsis here. Remember my blog about on-line dating? Well, I decided to give it another try in the spring of 2013. About 6 months earlier I had gone onto the eharmony site to look around, but I didn't sign up. I had to enter my email address to look and this gave eharmony to opportunity to send me offers to join. First it was 10% off, then 20% and so on. Finally it got down to 90% off and I figured I didn't have anything to lose! Take note of this if you want to try eharmony, but don't want to pay full price...give them your email address and be patient.
As soon as I paid my money a man's profile popped up and I recognized him as one I had seen when I looked before. He still sounded like someone I would like to meet, so we started messaging and then talking. Due to schedules we didn't meet for about 3 weeks and had talked so much by then that we were quite sure we wanted to be together. The rest is history!
We met in May of 2013, became engaged in July and were married in October! Yes, it was a very quick courtship, but I have a theory about that. There were never any red flags for either of us and we were brutally honest with each other. At this point in my life I know what I want, what I'm willing to put up with, and what I won't tolerate, so it doesn't take as long to decide if I'm with the right person. I couldn't be happier and David feels the same.
My last bit of advice is to figure out what you want in a relationship, what you will put up with and what you won't tolerate, then don't settle for anything less. There will always be some compromise, but don't compromise on anything that's really important to you or you won't be happy.
This is my last post to this blog. I hope I've helped some, or at least given you something to think about. Thanks for taking this journey with me!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Monday, June 4, 2012
All moved in
It's been awhile since I've had time to write, but lots has happened. My son, Caleb, has graduated from high school, we moved into our new home, and I've gotten an interesting text message.
First things first, yay Caleb!! I'm still not sure how he pulled it off, but Caleb graduated and has started the next phase of his life. I know he could have graduated with honors, but that wasn't important to him and he chose not to work for it. I wish he was driven in that direction, but he's not and I have to accept that. Caleb has other talents and desires. He'll start at Columbia State Community College in the fall and, with increased maturity, maybe he'll realize that better grades can be important.
We were able to move into our new home a couple of weeks before graduation, so it was a whirlwind of activity to get boxes unpacked and rooms organized for a party for Caleb, but we did it. The downstairs was in good shape, the upstairs still had several unpacked boxes, but it was presentable. My brother-in-law flew in for the graduation and was a great help getting pictures hung and porch furniture put together. Caleb was honored and felt truly important when his older brother took the time to decorate the house with balloons and graduation wall decorations. Evan couldn't have done anything better to make Caleb feel good about his accomplishment.
Getting to move into the new house was definitely not an experience I want to repeat anytime soon. We had everything set to close my previous house, close my new house, and move, however, the best laid plans never got off the ground! My buyer's mortgage broker kept telling him the underwriter needed more documents and he was made to sign ridiculous letters as his loan process dragged on. He was frustrated and couldn't get the broker to do anything. I was frustrated because I had friends who took time off to help me and a truck rented. My seller was frustrated because he was nervous about the whole thing falling through. We finally learned that the loan officer my buyer was using had gotten cross-ways with the underwriter, who was making his life miserable while frustrating all of us! Not a nice game to play! My advice to anyone reading this is to use a reputable mortgage company when you need a mortgage, not a mortgage broker. There's a big difference. I actually had my truck loaded when we finally found out that the loan wouldn't close until the next week, so we had to unload my truck and return it. Luckily, my church was very accommodating and allowed us to unload the truck into the church gym, which was lots easier than putting everything back in my house. Then my buyer felt terrible about his loan holding everything up and he offered to pay for real movers to move my things out of the gym and into my new house. This was a huge help because my friends who were helping me were not happy about the idea of moving everything again, even though they would have done it.
My new house is perfect for us. It feels very peaceful and "right". Caleb is happy with his second floor bedroom, even though he still hasn't unpacked everything! Evan likes the location because there's lots of country areas close by and he's my outdoorsy one. I like it because it's smaller, easier to clean, and is in a very quiet neighborhood where I don't hear sirens every night. Even the dogs and cats seem happier. It's been a challenge to find places for everything, but there will be a yard sale soon to get rid of the extras. A few new pieces of furniture have been purchased to make things work. I even put together a small bookcase all by myself! The back yard has a rather steep hill at the back and it's almost impossible to mow, so this week I've got some landscapers coming to terrace it and plant some pretty bushes and flowers. Then I'll put up a fence to keep the dogs in, cover the patio, and we'll have a wonderful back yard. I know I'm more comfortable here because I've spent several mornings having a cup of coffee on the back patio which I never did in my previous home. All things considered, this has been a positive move and, even though it was lots of work and emotion, I'm glad we did it.
Now for the surprise text I received last night. For those of you who have been following my blogs, you may be wondering if I've ever heard from the guy I was dating from Chattanooga. Well, for 3 months I heard absolutely nothing and had come to the conclusion that I never would. Then last night I received a text from him that said he had lost his job the week I was supposed to go to Chattanooga and he couldn't face anyone. That told me he didn't trust what my reaction would be. In his text he said he really did love me and didn't want me to think badly of him.....probably a little late for that! Then came the fishing line when he said he hoped I had found someone who made me happy. To me that was his way of asking if he could come back into my life. Sorry, bud, that won't happen! It was good to know what happened and why he dropped out of my life so suddenly, but I have no desire to rekindle that romance.
This was a long one, but I had much to catch up on! I hope you'll take my advice when looking for a mortgage and find a reputable lender who knows what they're doing. Cherish your friends because they'll be there for you when you need them. Just remember to be there for them when they need you! It's a two way street. I've been blessed beyond measure by my friends.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
First things first, yay Caleb!! I'm still not sure how he pulled it off, but Caleb graduated and has started the next phase of his life. I know he could have graduated with honors, but that wasn't important to him and he chose not to work for it. I wish he was driven in that direction, but he's not and I have to accept that. Caleb has other talents and desires. He'll start at Columbia State Community College in the fall and, with increased maturity, maybe he'll realize that better grades can be important.
We were able to move into our new home a couple of weeks before graduation, so it was a whirlwind of activity to get boxes unpacked and rooms organized for a party for Caleb, but we did it. The downstairs was in good shape, the upstairs still had several unpacked boxes, but it was presentable. My brother-in-law flew in for the graduation and was a great help getting pictures hung and porch furniture put together. Caleb was honored and felt truly important when his older brother took the time to decorate the house with balloons and graduation wall decorations. Evan couldn't have done anything better to make Caleb feel good about his accomplishment.
Getting to move into the new house was definitely not an experience I want to repeat anytime soon. We had everything set to close my previous house, close my new house, and move, however, the best laid plans never got off the ground! My buyer's mortgage broker kept telling him the underwriter needed more documents and he was made to sign ridiculous letters as his loan process dragged on. He was frustrated and couldn't get the broker to do anything. I was frustrated because I had friends who took time off to help me and a truck rented. My seller was frustrated because he was nervous about the whole thing falling through. We finally learned that the loan officer my buyer was using had gotten cross-ways with the underwriter, who was making his life miserable while frustrating all of us! Not a nice game to play! My advice to anyone reading this is to use a reputable mortgage company when you need a mortgage, not a mortgage broker. There's a big difference. I actually had my truck loaded when we finally found out that the loan wouldn't close until the next week, so we had to unload my truck and return it. Luckily, my church was very accommodating and allowed us to unload the truck into the church gym, which was lots easier than putting everything back in my house. Then my buyer felt terrible about his loan holding everything up and he offered to pay for real movers to move my things out of the gym and into my new house. This was a huge help because my friends who were helping me were not happy about the idea of moving everything again, even though they would have done it.
My new house is perfect for us. It feels very peaceful and "right". Caleb is happy with his second floor bedroom, even though he still hasn't unpacked everything! Evan likes the location because there's lots of country areas close by and he's my outdoorsy one. I like it because it's smaller, easier to clean, and is in a very quiet neighborhood where I don't hear sirens every night. Even the dogs and cats seem happier. It's been a challenge to find places for everything, but there will be a yard sale soon to get rid of the extras. A few new pieces of furniture have been purchased to make things work. I even put together a small bookcase all by myself! The back yard has a rather steep hill at the back and it's almost impossible to mow, so this week I've got some landscapers coming to terrace it and plant some pretty bushes and flowers. Then I'll put up a fence to keep the dogs in, cover the patio, and we'll have a wonderful back yard. I know I'm more comfortable here because I've spent several mornings having a cup of coffee on the back patio which I never did in my previous home. All things considered, this has been a positive move and, even though it was lots of work and emotion, I'm glad we did it.
Now for the surprise text I received last night. For those of you who have been following my blogs, you may be wondering if I've ever heard from the guy I was dating from Chattanooga. Well, for 3 months I heard absolutely nothing and had come to the conclusion that I never would. Then last night I received a text from him that said he had lost his job the week I was supposed to go to Chattanooga and he couldn't face anyone. That told me he didn't trust what my reaction would be. In his text he said he really did love me and didn't want me to think badly of him.....probably a little late for that! Then came the fishing line when he said he hoped I had found someone who made me happy. To me that was his way of asking if he could come back into my life. Sorry, bud, that won't happen! It was good to know what happened and why he dropped out of my life so suddenly, but I have no desire to rekindle that romance.
This was a long one, but I had much to catch up on! I hope you'll take my advice when looking for a mortgage and find a reputable lender who knows what they're doing. Cherish your friends because they'll be there for you when you need them. Just remember to be there for them when they need you! It's a two way street. I've been blessed beyond measure by my friends.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Selling the house
As I've mentioned several times, I've spent the last two years divesting myself of most of my husband's possessions and embarking on the rest of my life. I had told my sons that when Caleb graduated from high school I would have to sell our house, so we've been working toward that goal. His graduation is about 5 weeks away, the house has been on the market 4 1/2 months, and I've sold it!!
Luckily I had a very low offer to consider first. I countered this offer and they went away, however, this gave me an opportunity to think about the reality of actually selling the house. It hadn't really hit me until then. All of a sudden I was in an emotional turmoil. This is the only house we've lived in since moving to Nashville 10 years ago. We had made numerous improvements to the house to make it ours. Granted, most of the things we did were things my husband wanted, not necessarily things I was in favor of. One of those was a large stone fire pit. The pit is surrounded by a thick, hand-laid stone wall that winds around it and also serves as a retaining wall. In my opinion this was a very frivolous waste of money that could have been used to update bathrooms or do something that would add value to the home. My husband was set on having a fire pit though. The sad part is that he never used it.
Emotional ties aside, this pretend offer made me realize that the house could sell at any minute and I'd better start looking for our next house. This was about the time I realized that I hadn't asked Caleb how he felt about selling the only home he really remembers. Without hesitation he said he wanted the house to sell because it holds nothing but bad memories for him. That's probably an exaggeration, but that's how he feels. His only concern was that we don't have a house to go to. His only request was to have a second floor bedroom in our next house.
We didn't have to wait long for the next offer, and this was a good one! The only catch in this offer was that they wanted my lawn mower. Once again I had to sort through some emotional baggage. The lawn mower is a very nice zero turn riding mower that my husband had bought because our yard is a full acre on a slope. He absolutely loved his mower and really enjoyed mowing the lawn on it. It's one thing that would truly make him smile and I remember how happy this made him. Therefore, emotions hit when I thought about leaving the mower behind. It didn't take long for me to realize that the new owners would need this mower way more than I will because, no matter what, my next house will not have a big yard! It was interesting that Caleb had the same initial reaction that I did, but then realized that we wouldn't need it. So, now the house has been sold and we're in the process of doing paperwork and waiting on the appraisal and closing. My turn to hit the house hunting trail!
I gave my realtor my price range and a list of things I want in a house, and she got to work. We looked at about 20 houses in a two week period and narrowed it down to 4 pretty quickly. There was one that I kept going back to in my mind, so I decided this must be the one to make an offer on. My realtor wrote it up and it was accepted. It will be a wonderful house for us. The kitchen has been recently remodeled with new appliances. The downstairs is beautiful with new paint and bamboo floors. The garage is clean enough to live in. Best of all, the yard is less than a quarter acre! We definitely don't need the big mower. Caleb is happy because it's two stories and his bedroom is on the second floor. We'll close and move the end of this month and begin our new life in our new house.
I've realized once again how blessed I am with friends. The last day that I looked at houses 3 of my friends gave up their Sunday afternoon to go with me to help with my decision. Two were men whose opinions regarding structural issues and building components are very valuable. This gave me a huge amount of comfort because they checked things that I wouldn't think of. All 3 of them agreed that my favorite was the best choice.
I was even more blessed when 3 of my girl friends showed up Friday night to help me pack up my kitchen. I have lots of kitchen equipment, so this was not a quick task, but was very enjoyable with their help. One came back Saturday morning to help more. When I ran out of boxes we went for a pedicure and dinner. Running out of boxes can be a good thing! Without the help of these friends I would be extremely over-whelmed and trying to figure out how to get everything done. I'm even more amazed that 3 of these friends have requested time off from work to help me move at the end of the month. That's true friendship - taking vacation days to help me move! That just blows me away.
Thank you, God, for blessing me we these wonderful friends who care about me and are there to help without thinking twice. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and, like every Sunday, I'll be in church, but I'll have so much more to be grateful for this year - wonderful friends, new house, new beginning, and, most important, a much closer walk with God. I pray that anyone who reads this has something in their life to be thankful for, and I hope it has to do with friendships, whether with people or with God. These are truly life's treasures.
Thanks for taking this journey with me......more to come!
Luckily I had a very low offer to consider first. I countered this offer and they went away, however, this gave me an opportunity to think about the reality of actually selling the house. It hadn't really hit me until then. All of a sudden I was in an emotional turmoil. This is the only house we've lived in since moving to Nashville 10 years ago. We had made numerous improvements to the house to make it ours. Granted, most of the things we did were things my husband wanted, not necessarily things I was in favor of. One of those was a large stone fire pit. The pit is surrounded by a thick, hand-laid stone wall that winds around it and also serves as a retaining wall. In my opinion this was a very frivolous waste of money that could have been used to update bathrooms or do something that would add value to the home. My husband was set on having a fire pit though. The sad part is that he never used it.
Emotional ties aside, this pretend offer made me realize that the house could sell at any minute and I'd better start looking for our next house. This was about the time I realized that I hadn't asked Caleb how he felt about selling the only home he really remembers. Without hesitation he said he wanted the house to sell because it holds nothing but bad memories for him. That's probably an exaggeration, but that's how he feels. His only concern was that we don't have a house to go to. His only request was to have a second floor bedroom in our next house.
We didn't have to wait long for the next offer, and this was a good one! The only catch in this offer was that they wanted my lawn mower. Once again I had to sort through some emotional baggage. The lawn mower is a very nice zero turn riding mower that my husband had bought because our yard is a full acre on a slope. He absolutely loved his mower and really enjoyed mowing the lawn on it. It's one thing that would truly make him smile and I remember how happy this made him. Therefore, emotions hit when I thought about leaving the mower behind. It didn't take long for me to realize that the new owners would need this mower way more than I will because, no matter what, my next house will not have a big yard! It was interesting that Caleb had the same initial reaction that I did, but then realized that we wouldn't need it. So, now the house has been sold and we're in the process of doing paperwork and waiting on the appraisal and closing. My turn to hit the house hunting trail!
I gave my realtor my price range and a list of things I want in a house, and she got to work. We looked at about 20 houses in a two week period and narrowed it down to 4 pretty quickly. There was one that I kept going back to in my mind, so I decided this must be the one to make an offer on. My realtor wrote it up and it was accepted. It will be a wonderful house for us. The kitchen has been recently remodeled with new appliances. The downstairs is beautiful with new paint and bamboo floors. The garage is clean enough to live in. Best of all, the yard is less than a quarter acre! We definitely don't need the big mower. Caleb is happy because it's two stories and his bedroom is on the second floor. We'll close and move the end of this month and begin our new life in our new house.
I've realized once again how blessed I am with friends. The last day that I looked at houses 3 of my friends gave up their Sunday afternoon to go with me to help with my decision. Two were men whose opinions regarding structural issues and building components are very valuable. This gave me a huge amount of comfort because they checked things that I wouldn't think of. All 3 of them agreed that my favorite was the best choice.
I was even more blessed when 3 of my girl friends showed up Friday night to help me pack up my kitchen. I have lots of kitchen equipment, so this was not a quick task, but was very enjoyable with their help. One came back Saturday morning to help more. When I ran out of boxes we went for a pedicure and dinner. Running out of boxes can be a good thing! Without the help of these friends I would be extremely over-whelmed and trying to figure out how to get everything done. I'm even more amazed that 3 of these friends have requested time off from work to help me move at the end of the month. That's true friendship - taking vacation days to help me move! That just blows me away.
Thank you, God, for blessing me we these wonderful friends who care about me and are there to help without thinking twice. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and, like every Sunday, I'll be in church, but I'll have so much more to be grateful for this year - wonderful friends, new house, new beginning, and, most important, a much closer walk with God. I pray that anyone who reads this has something in their life to be thankful for, and I hope it has to do with friendships, whether with people or with God. These are truly life's treasures.
Thanks for taking this journey with me......more to come!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Red Flags
In my last entry I mentioned that I had been dating someone for about 3 months. I thought it was going well until he completely disappeared from my life about 2 weeks ago! We had made plans for the week-end on Wednesday night and that was the last I heard from him. I sent several texts and left messages, but got nothing back. I checked the hospitals and the morgue, but he wasn't there. After a week I called the apartments where he lives and asked them to check on him because I knew he lived alone and was worried that he'd had an accident. They called me back and said he was okay. He still hasn't called me, so I'm left wondering what went wrong.
As humans are prone to do, I've looked back over the last 3 months and dissected the times we spent together. Several "red flags" have popped up that I failed to see before. The first one I mentioned in my last entry - the fact that we went right from e-mailing to meeting without any phone conversations. He was really in a hurry to meet me. That should have at least sent me a yellow caution flag! If someone is that anxious to drive 2 hours to have coffee with someone they met on-line, there's probably something wrong. Instead I was flattered that he would do that....pretty naive now that I look back on it.
After we'd only known each other a few weeks he started saying he loved me and talking about marriage. I put a stop to the marriage talk quickly because I'm not ready to consider that yet, may never be, and wouldn't consider marrying someone I'd just met. I told him he couldn't even ask me for at least 6 months. When he asked why I told him because he wouldn't get the answer he wanted. He seemed okay with this and just made jokes about counting down the days. This was rather endearing, but definitely a red flag.
At Christmas he bought me expensive presents and even purchased gift cards for my sons. I also gave him nice presents. Nothing too strange there, but when my birthday came a few weeks later he didn't get me a gift. He brought me the usual bouquet of flowers when he got here and he took me to dinner, but those had become every week-end occurrences. I didn't say anything about the absence of a birthday gift and just figured he didn't do birthdays! Then Valentine's day came and he showed up with 2 bouquets of flowers and a box of candy! The strange thing about this was that we had had more than one conversation about how we both preferred dark chocolate, but the candy was milk chocolate. I thought that was odd, but didn't mention it and let him know that I appreciated what he had given me. Little red flags that I didn't pay attention to.
Then there came the time when I realized that he knew everything about my life - my friends, my church, my home, my family, my favorite restaurants, etc., however, I knew very little about his life. I hadn't met his family or friends, hadn't seen where or how he lived, and really didn't know anything about his day to day existence. I mentioned this and said I'd like to visit him. He seemed fine with the idea, so we started looking for a time when I could do this, and I began to notice his interest in me cooling off. He stopped saying he loved me and never mentioned marriage or counting down the days. He didn't text me as much and didn't answer my calls as quickly. Red flags began waving in front of my face! Something was definitely not right. I had decided to confront him the next week-end, but never had the chance because that's when he disappeared from my radar. I'll never know what went wrong, but I have a few theories and thoughts.
He told me he was having a rough time at work and there were things happening that would probably cause someone to get fired. I asked if he thought his job was in danger and he said he thought it would be someone else. Theory #1 is that he got fired and was too embarrassed to tell me. This doesn't say much for his opinion of me or his backbone.
Here's the background for theory #2. One time when we were out to dinner I had seen an old neighbor of mine and given him a hug. I had introduced him to my friend, talked a few minutes, and then he left. Nothing more was said until a few days later when my friend accused me of going out with this guy. I assured him there was no interest on either side, but was perplexed that he would accuse me of that. Was he that insecure and jealous? Those are two things I don't deal well with because I don't play those games. What may have made this even worse was that the company I work for awards their employees something very nice for 10 years of service and I received my diamond pendant the next week. I was excited and told him about it, not thinking of the other incident. Did he connect the two and think I was cheating on him? That's my son's theory. I never would have thought of it. Again, that doesn't say much for his opinion of me, and it's pretty spineless for him not to ask me.
Theory #3 is that he didn't live the life he had portrayed to me and when I started wanting to visit his part of the world he couldn't let me without giving himself away as a liar.
There are many other theories, but it really doesn't matter because there's nothing short of being hospitalized, dead, or in jail that would forgive his complete lack of communication. I've learned something from this experience, which is not to break my rules and not to get carried away by pretty words and attention. Will I quit dating because of this? No, I've now seen what it can be like to be treated well and taken out. Quite frankly, I enjoyed it. Will I be more careful now? You bet! I'll be looking for those red flags and if I see one it will be talked about immediately.
I always try to learn from my mistakes and I believe that's good advice. I'll also continue to work on listening to God and allowing Him to lead me. I believe the red flags are God's way of saying "Hey, something isn't right here. You need to pay attention!" I hope you'll pay attention to any red flags you find in relationships and listen to God as he leads you.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!
As humans are prone to do, I've looked back over the last 3 months and dissected the times we spent together. Several "red flags" have popped up that I failed to see before. The first one I mentioned in my last entry - the fact that we went right from e-mailing to meeting without any phone conversations. He was really in a hurry to meet me. That should have at least sent me a yellow caution flag! If someone is that anxious to drive 2 hours to have coffee with someone they met on-line, there's probably something wrong. Instead I was flattered that he would do that....pretty naive now that I look back on it.
After we'd only known each other a few weeks he started saying he loved me and talking about marriage. I put a stop to the marriage talk quickly because I'm not ready to consider that yet, may never be, and wouldn't consider marrying someone I'd just met. I told him he couldn't even ask me for at least 6 months. When he asked why I told him because he wouldn't get the answer he wanted. He seemed okay with this and just made jokes about counting down the days. This was rather endearing, but definitely a red flag.
At Christmas he bought me expensive presents and even purchased gift cards for my sons. I also gave him nice presents. Nothing too strange there, but when my birthday came a few weeks later he didn't get me a gift. He brought me the usual bouquet of flowers when he got here and he took me to dinner, but those had become every week-end occurrences. I didn't say anything about the absence of a birthday gift and just figured he didn't do birthdays! Then Valentine's day came and he showed up with 2 bouquets of flowers and a box of candy! The strange thing about this was that we had had more than one conversation about how we both preferred dark chocolate, but the candy was milk chocolate. I thought that was odd, but didn't mention it and let him know that I appreciated what he had given me. Little red flags that I didn't pay attention to.
Then there came the time when I realized that he knew everything about my life - my friends, my church, my home, my family, my favorite restaurants, etc., however, I knew very little about his life. I hadn't met his family or friends, hadn't seen where or how he lived, and really didn't know anything about his day to day existence. I mentioned this and said I'd like to visit him. He seemed fine with the idea, so we started looking for a time when I could do this, and I began to notice his interest in me cooling off. He stopped saying he loved me and never mentioned marriage or counting down the days. He didn't text me as much and didn't answer my calls as quickly. Red flags began waving in front of my face! Something was definitely not right. I had decided to confront him the next week-end, but never had the chance because that's when he disappeared from my radar. I'll never know what went wrong, but I have a few theories and thoughts.
He told me he was having a rough time at work and there were things happening that would probably cause someone to get fired. I asked if he thought his job was in danger and he said he thought it would be someone else. Theory #1 is that he got fired and was too embarrassed to tell me. This doesn't say much for his opinion of me or his backbone.
Here's the background for theory #2. One time when we were out to dinner I had seen an old neighbor of mine and given him a hug. I had introduced him to my friend, talked a few minutes, and then he left. Nothing more was said until a few days later when my friend accused me of going out with this guy. I assured him there was no interest on either side, but was perplexed that he would accuse me of that. Was he that insecure and jealous? Those are two things I don't deal well with because I don't play those games. What may have made this even worse was that the company I work for awards their employees something very nice for 10 years of service and I received my diamond pendant the next week. I was excited and told him about it, not thinking of the other incident. Did he connect the two and think I was cheating on him? That's my son's theory. I never would have thought of it. Again, that doesn't say much for his opinion of me, and it's pretty spineless for him not to ask me.
Theory #3 is that he didn't live the life he had portrayed to me and when I started wanting to visit his part of the world he couldn't let me without giving himself away as a liar.
There are many other theories, but it really doesn't matter because there's nothing short of being hospitalized, dead, or in jail that would forgive his complete lack of communication. I've learned something from this experience, which is not to break my rules and not to get carried away by pretty words and attention. Will I quit dating because of this? No, I've now seen what it can be like to be treated well and taken out. Quite frankly, I enjoyed it. Will I be more careful now? You bet! I'll be looking for those red flags and if I see one it will be talked about immediately.
I always try to learn from my mistakes and I believe that's good advice. I'll also continue to work on listening to God and allowing Him to lead me. I believe the red flags are God's way of saying "Hey, something isn't right here. You need to pay attention!" I hope you'll pay attention to any red flags you find in relationships and listen to God as he leads you.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
To Date or Not To Date....
What's a widow to do? I was widowed in my fifties, which is certainly young enough to consider having another relationship in my life. Do I want one? Do I want to get married again? Tough questions.
As I've mentioned, my husband was rather controlling and quite dominant. After being single again for over two years, I feel like I've found myself and I've left behind the "married" me. I'm enjoying being single, thinking for myself, going where I want to go & when I want to go. Yet, there's something missing in my life - a partner. My sons are with me, but they can't fill that hole. There are times when I just want an adult to talk to. Girl friends are good for that, but sometimes having a man's opinion is important.
I once saw a saying that went like this: "It takes a mighty good husband to be better than none". I cut it out and hung it on my bulletin board because I believe it to be true. When I think about getting married again, I cringe. Could I ever allow another man to have that kind of control over me again? Do I want to pick up someone's dirty socks? Do I want to have to cook again? Do I want to have sex again? So much to consider, and how do I sort it out?
What traits would I look for in a man? My instinct is to go for someone who is completely opposite of my husband. But, wait, John did have some good points. I always felt safe with him. He was a Marine, he knew how to handle weapons, and I knew he was always watchful. I never had a reason to be afraid if he was near. John was also very intelligent and could carry on an interesting conversation. This is important to me because I crave mental stimulation and love to learn. Then there are the bad habits to steer away from like the impulsive buying, having to be the center of attention, not helping with the housework, and always asking me what was for dinner when I was still at work and he was already home!
Then, where would I look for a man if I decide I want one? My church is very small and has very few single men with virtually none in my age bracket. Meeting someone in a bar is usually not good for the long term. I work for a fairly large company, but dating someone from work is not a good idea, and there's no one there I would be interested in. I believe a friend of a friend would be a good idea, but my friends don't seem to hang out with single men my age! What's left? Maybe internet dating? Scary idea, but with caution it could work.
So, on-line I went. Someone says to try plentyoffish.com because it's free. I gave that one a few months and had lots of laughs. There are a few decent men, but the majority don't have much going for them which is why they're on a free site! I met two. One never got off the ground and the other was good for a few dates until I realized he didn't share my Christian faith and had no desire to go to church. This is important to me, so it was time to move on.
The next site I tried was match.com. Another joke! Don't believe the commercials on television for this one. They kept sending me the same men I had already turned down. Then there were a couple of men who looked and sounded really good. That is, until we started e-mailing back and forth and I learned that they couldn't spell or put together a coherent sentence! I wonder who wrote their profiles? No luck there.
I was about to give up on this type of dating when I came across seniorpeoplemeet.com, a site for people 50 and over. Maybe limiting the site to people of my age group would make a difference. I signed up and started looking. Over the months on the other sites I had developed a type of criteria that I would go by. The first thing was looks. No, he didn't have to be the most handsome man I'd ever seen. What I was looking for was someone I would enjoy looking at when I woke up in the morning. Then he had to be intelligent - able to write and spell and have varied interests. I'm not a sports fan, so the big football, basketball and Nascar fans didn't get my attention. Of course, he had to be a Christian and like going to church.
One of the surprises I ran into was men who were put off by my sons living with me. Some didn't even like the fact that I had sons. What was that all about? Competition? I found that to be very strange. Another man took offense that I have a son who wants to be a police officer. I believe that to be a very noble, underpaid profession, and where would we be without police officers? Yes, there are some strange ones out there!
I always asked the men to write back and forth several times before I would consider giving out my phone number, so I took this very slowly. If we made it to the phone number stage, we would talk on the phone several times before I would consider meeting him. Then, if we made it to actually meeting, I would tell my sons where I was going and when I would be back. There were only 3 that I actually met. The two I mentioned before and one from seniorpeoplemeet.com. The last one broke several of my "rules" and I never noticed until later. We e-mailed a few times, but skipped the phone conversations. He lived in Chattanooga, which was farther than I wanted to go, but he was very eager to meet me and didn't mind driving. So, we went from e-mail directly to coffee at Starbuck's. As I was waiting for him to arrive I realized I had never heard his voice and started to wonder if I would recognize him. This wasn't a problem.
We hit it off immediately and talked for 4 hours thru coffee and then dinner. My son called me a few times to make sure I was alright and this didn't bother my new friend at all. He was actually impressed that my boys watch out for me. The next week-end he was back to take me out on a real date, which was incredibly fun! He's been back every week-end that he could come for the last 3 months. He's a gentleman, loves going to church with me, gets along great with my boys, and even likes my dogs! We have many things in common and we have great conversations. There's still the issue of him living 2 hours away, but he's working on that.
I'm still not sure I want to get married again, but I'm really enjoying the attention and going out. I know I don't have to decide right away and he knows not to ask me. If it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, I've learned how to have fun again and I'm discovering what it's like to be treated like a lady. My boys and my friends say they've noticed that I'm happier now and I don't get stressed out easily. I find that by the time Saturday morning comes I'm smiling and singing, anxiously waiting for my friend to arrive. Will it last? I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
My advice to anyone who has had a serious relationship end, either through death, divorce, or a break up, is to take it easy for awhile. Let the dust settle, sort out your feelings, and learn to be yourself again. Depending on the situation this could take a few months to a few years, and it will be different for everyone. You'll know when you're ready to look again. When that time comes, take it slow and don't jump into a relationship just to be in one. Enjoy it and make sure he treats you like a lady!
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
As I've mentioned, my husband was rather controlling and quite dominant. After being single again for over two years, I feel like I've found myself and I've left behind the "married" me. I'm enjoying being single, thinking for myself, going where I want to go & when I want to go. Yet, there's something missing in my life - a partner. My sons are with me, but they can't fill that hole. There are times when I just want an adult to talk to. Girl friends are good for that, but sometimes having a man's opinion is important.
I once saw a saying that went like this: "It takes a mighty good husband to be better than none". I cut it out and hung it on my bulletin board because I believe it to be true. When I think about getting married again, I cringe. Could I ever allow another man to have that kind of control over me again? Do I want to pick up someone's dirty socks? Do I want to have to cook again? Do I want to have sex again? So much to consider, and how do I sort it out?
What traits would I look for in a man? My instinct is to go for someone who is completely opposite of my husband. But, wait, John did have some good points. I always felt safe with him. He was a Marine, he knew how to handle weapons, and I knew he was always watchful. I never had a reason to be afraid if he was near. John was also very intelligent and could carry on an interesting conversation. This is important to me because I crave mental stimulation and love to learn. Then there are the bad habits to steer away from like the impulsive buying, having to be the center of attention, not helping with the housework, and always asking me what was for dinner when I was still at work and he was already home!
Then, where would I look for a man if I decide I want one? My church is very small and has very few single men with virtually none in my age bracket. Meeting someone in a bar is usually not good for the long term. I work for a fairly large company, but dating someone from work is not a good idea, and there's no one there I would be interested in. I believe a friend of a friend would be a good idea, but my friends don't seem to hang out with single men my age! What's left? Maybe internet dating? Scary idea, but with caution it could work.
So, on-line I went. Someone says to try plentyoffish.com because it's free. I gave that one a few months and had lots of laughs. There are a few decent men, but the majority don't have much going for them which is why they're on a free site! I met two. One never got off the ground and the other was good for a few dates until I realized he didn't share my Christian faith and had no desire to go to church. This is important to me, so it was time to move on.
The next site I tried was match.com. Another joke! Don't believe the commercials on television for this one. They kept sending me the same men I had already turned down. Then there were a couple of men who looked and sounded really good. That is, until we started e-mailing back and forth and I learned that they couldn't spell or put together a coherent sentence! I wonder who wrote their profiles? No luck there.
I was about to give up on this type of dating when I came across seniorpeoplemeet.com, a site for people 50 and over. Maybe limiting the site to people of my age group would make a difference. I signed up and started looking. Over the months on the other sites I had developed a type of criteria that I would go by. The first thing was looks. No, he didn't have to be the most handsome man I'd ever seen. What I was looking for was someone I would enjoy looking at when I woke up in the morning. Then he had to be intelligent - able to write and spell and have varied interests. I'm not a sports fan, so the big football, basketball and Nascar fans didn't get my attention. Of course, he had to be a Christian and like going to church.
One of the surprises I ran into was men who were put off by my sons living with me. Some didn't even like the fact that I had sons. What was that all about? Competition? I found that to be very strange. Another man took offense that I have a son who wants to be a police officer. I believe that to be a very noble, underpaid profession, and where would we be without police officers? Yes, there are some strange ones out there!
I always asked the men to write back and forth several times before I would consider giving out my phone number, so I took this very slowly. If we made it to the phone number stage, we would talk on the phone several times before I would consider meeting him. Then, if we made it to actually meeting, I would tell my sons where I was going and when I would be back. There were only 3 that I actually met. The two I mentioned before and one from seniorpeoplemeet.com. The last one broke several of my "rules" and I never noticed until later. We e-mailed a few times, but skipped the phone conversations. He lived in Chattanooga, which was farther than I wanted to go, but he was very eager to meet me and didn't mind driving. So, we went from e-mail directly to coffee at Starbuck's. As I was waiting for him to arrive I realized I had never heard his voice and started to wonder if I would recognize him. This wasn't a problem.
We hit it off immediately and talked for 4 hours thru coffee and then dinner. My son called me a few times to make sure I was alright and this didn't bother my new friend at all. He was actually impressed that my boys watch out for me. The next week-end he was back to take me out on a real date, which was incredibly fun! He's been back every week-end that he could come for the last 3 months. He's a gentleman, loves going to church with me, gets along great with my boys, and even likes my dogs! We have many things in common and we have great conversations. There's still the issue of him living 2 hours away, but he's working on that.
I'm still not sure I want to get married again, but I'm really enjoying the attention and going out. I know I don't have to decide right away and he knows not to ask me. If it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, I've learned how to have fun again and I'm discovering what it's like to be treated like a lady. My boys and my friends say they've noticed that I'm happier now and I don't get stressed out easily. I find that by the time Saturday morning comes I'm smiling and singing, anxiously waiting for my friend to arrive. Will it last? I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
My advice to anyone who has had a serious relationship end, either through death, divorce, or a break up, is to take it easy for awhile. Let the dust settle, sort out your feelings, and learn to be yourself again. Depending on the situation this could take a few months to a few years, and it will be different for everyone. You'll know when you're ready to look again. When that time comes, take it slow and don't jump into a relationship just to be in one. Enjoy it and make sure he treats you like a lady!
Thanks for taking this journey with me.....more to come!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Silver Linings
"Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining." Lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Kutless. This became my mantra during the first year or so after John passed away. No, I wasn't about to give up, and I knew the sun was shining, but some things were still difficult. If I looked for the silver linings I was able to focus better and appreciate my circumstances. This became very true for Caleb as well.
I remember walking through Walmart with Caleb one day and explaining to him about silver linings. I told him it's always healthy to look for the good that can come out of something bad. I used his 16th birthday party as an example. He had asked to have the party at home with some of his friends so they could use the hot tub, sauna, and Wii. I didn't have a problem with that, even though the room containing those items was located off my bedroom/bathroom. I believe there were 7-8 teens that day and they all appeared to have a great time between soaking in the hot tub, trying to get the sauna to work, and playing games. Caleb had a large arsenal of Nerf guns, so it was inevitable that they would come out at some point. Imagine my surprise when I walked through my bedroom to find a Nerf war in full swing with one kid using my bed as a wall to hide behind and another one using my bathtub as a bunker! All I could do was laugh and be happy that they were having fun and Caleb was having a great birthday with his friends. As I thought about the day later I realized that if John had been alive that party would not have happened. He didn't like disturbances (like noisy kids), and he definitely would not have allowed them into our bedroom, bathroom, or the hot tub area! So, the silver lining for Caleb was being able to have the great birthday that he envisioned with his friends, which never would have happened if his father was still with us.
Some might say that it would be better to have his father than to have the birthday party he wanted, however, in Caleb's case this was probably not so. John was a very controlling father, to the point of having Caleb's life planned out for him. John had been a Marine, so he wanted Caleb to be a Marine. His idea of college for Caleb was the Naval Academy and then entry into the Marines as an officer. This was never what Caleb wanted, but when he tried to talk to his father he didn't get far and ended up very upset. One of Caleb's first questions after his father died was if he would still have to go to the Naval Academy. I assured him that he could choose his college as long as he attended one, but that out of respect to his father I wanted him to at least visit the Naval Academy. He agreed and went for a tour with John's brother who lives near the Academy. Caleb immediately knew that it wasn't the place for him. Another silver lining? Perhaps.
As kids do, Caleb had entertained several ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. One day at the end of his sophomore year I asked him if he had made any decisions in this area. I was surprised when he said yes, but didn't elaborate. I asked if he was going to tell me and again got a "yes", but nothing else. I finally pulled out of him that he wanted to be a police officer and had made this decision several years before. When I asked why he hadn't said anything sooner he explained that his father would have made fun of him, and he was right. John was not a fan of the police and made fun of them at every opportunity. I told him I understood and would support his decision. He already had a college selected with the program of study that he would need. How awesome that he knows what he wants to do with his life and what he has to do to make it happen! I'm very proud of him for that and I believe this is another silver lining for him.
Please don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things that Caleb's father did for him. Caleb was raised wtih manners and discipline. He was taught right from wrong and raised in church with good core values. He was taught how to use tools, how to treat others, and was shown a strong work ethic. He was taught "man things" that I would never be able to attempt to teach him (and truly don't understand!) All of these things are woven into the man that he's becoming. So many people who know Caleb have commented on how his personality has developed and how he's become his own person in the past 2 years. He's funny, intelligent, respectful, and is comfortable carrying on a conversation with anyone at anytime about anything. It's almost like a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon, but this is a butterfly with a mix of his father, myself, many others along the way, and a myriad of experiences. He has pulled things for himself from all of these sources and become Caleb. I'm not sure he would have been allowed to do that if John were still with us. Another silver lining? Possibly.
As blogs sometimes do, this entry has taken on a life of it's own and become more about Caleb than about me. There have also been silver linings for me, however, apparently I wasn't supposed to write about them today! Maybe another time. I would suggest that in whatever "bad" time you might be going through you should look closely and try to find the silver linings. They'll be there, but you may have to pray to see your circumstances in a different light in order to find them. Good luck....it's worth the effort!
Thanks for taking this journey with me. More to come!
I remember walking through Walmart with Caleb one day and explaining to him about silver linings. I told him it's always healthy to look for the good that can come out of something bad. I used his 16th birthday party as an example. He had asked to have the party at home with some of his friends so they could use the hot tub, sauna, and Wii. I didn't have a problem with that, even though the room containing those items was located off my bedroom/bathroom. I believe there were 7-8 teens that day and they all appeared to have a great time between soaking in the hot tub, trying to get the sauna to work, and playing games. Caleb had a large arsenal of Nerf guns, so it was inevitable that they would come out at some point. Imagine my surprise when I walked through my bedroom to find a Nerf war in full swing with one kid using my bed as a wall to hide behind and another one using my bathtub as a bunker! All I could do was laugh and be happy that they were having fun and Caleb was having a great birthday with his friends. As I thought about the day later I realized that if John had been alive that party would not have happened. He didn't like disturbances (like noisy kids), and he definitely would not have allowed them into our bedroom, bathroom, or the hot tub area! So, the silver lining for Caleb was being able to have the great birthday that he envisioned with his friends, which never would have happened if his father was still with us.
Some might say that it would be better to have his father than to have the birthday party he wanted, however, in Caleb's case this was probably not so. John was a very controlling father, to the point of having Caleb's life planned out for him. John had been a Marine, so he wanted Caleb to be a Marine. His idea of college for Caleb was the Naval Academy and then entry into the Marines as an officer. This was never what Caleb wanted, but when he tried to talk to his father he didn't get far and ended up very upset. One of Caleb's first questions after his father died was if he would still have to go to the Naval Academy. I assured him that he could choose his college as long as he attended one, but that out of respect to his father I wanted him to at least visit the Naval Academy. He agreed and went for a tour with John's brother who lives near the Academy. Caleb immediately knew that it wasn't the place for him. Another silver lining? Perhaps.
As kids do, Caleb had entertained several ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. One day at the end of his sophomore year I asked him if he had made any decisions in this area. I was surprised when he said yes, but didn't elaborate. I asked if he was going to tell me and again got a "yes", but nothing else. I finally pulled out of him that he wanted to be a police officer and had made this decision several years before. When I asked why he hadn't said anything sooner he explained that his father would have made fun of him, and he was right. John was not a fan of the police and made fun of them at every opportunity. I told him I understood and would support his decision. He already had a college selected with the program of study that he would need. How awesome that he knows what he wants to do with his life and what he has to do to make it happen! I'm very proud of him for that and I believe this is another silver lining for him.
Please don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good things that Caleb's father did for him. Caleb was raised wtih manners and discipline. He was taught right from wrong and raised in church with good core values. He was taught how to use tools, how to treat others, and was shown a strong work ethic. He was taught "man things" that I would never be able to attempt to teach him (and truly don't understand!) All of these things are woven into the man that he's becoming. So many people who know Caleb have commented on how his personality has developed and how he's become his own person in the past 2 years. He's funny, intelligent, respectful, and is comfortable carrying on a conversation with anyone at anytime about anything. It's almost like a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon, but this is a butterfly with a mix of his father, myself, many others along the way, and a myriad of experiences. He has pulled things for himself from all of these sources and become Caleb. I'm not sure he would have been allowed to do that if John were still with us. Another silver lining? Possibly.
As blogs sometimes do, this entry has taken on a life of it's own and become more about Caleb than about me. There have also been silver linings for me, however, apparently I wasn't supposed to write about them today! Maybe another time. I would suggest that in whatever "bad" time you might be going through you should look closely and try to find the silver linings. They'll be there, but you may have to pray to see your circumstances in a different light in order to find them. Good luck....it's worth the effort!
Thanks for taking this journey with me. More to come!
Monday, January 9, 2012
What's missing?
I've written about several things that I don't miss - things that left my life when John passed on. Just to be fair, there are some things that I really do miss.
The first would be a good hug! John was a large man and could wrap his arms around me for a big, comforting hug. I realized very quickly that this was missing after he was gone. Once I made this discovery, I figured out how to fix it. I go to church with lots of wonderful people who have been there for me through thick and thin. They are huggers for the most part, so all I had to do was offer a hug and get one in return. Easy fix!
Another missing element was the handy-man that John was. He was good at fixing things, hanging pictures, and taking care of things outside. I never mowed the lawn or edged it. I rarely changed light bulbs or air filters. If I wanted something done I would ask him about it and he would figure out the best way. Once again, I turned to my church family. There are several men in the congregation who have the "honey-do" capability. One of my door knobs had to be replaced, so all I had to do was ask and it was done. They have also checked things like the vents and roof. I also have my two sons who are old enough to be helpful. They took over the lawn mowing and edging chores, and can be counted on for simple home maintenance chores, like changing air filters. Luckily, Caleb had been taught by his father where things were and how they work. I've had to pick his brain several times about different things that John used to take care of. One thing I found out after John died was that he did not keep up with things as I thought he had. Many of the routine maintenance items that go with owning a home had been neglected due to his poor health. It's been a challenge to get everything back to where it should be, but with the help from Evan, Caleb, and my friends at church it's much better than it was.
I also missed the news. John always watched the news and would tell me what was going on in the world. It irritated him that I didn't watch it, but at the same time, he enjoyed telling me because he could put his spin on the events, especially politics. Luckily, we usually agreed on what candidates we supported! I've now started watching the news in the morning while getting ready for work and I've found other people to talk about current events with.
These may seem like simple, unimportant things to miss, but they're important to me. We will all miss something different when a relationship ends for any reason. There are so many facets of a relationship that we easily take for granted, and when the relationship ends it's sometimes difficult to realize exactly what we've lost. I challenge you to think about what you miss about a special person who has left your life. Once you identify the missing element(s), figure out how to replace it to fill the hole in your life. You'll be happier when you do.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come
The first would be a good hug! John was a large man and could wrap his arms around me for a big, comforting hug. I realized very quickly that this was missing after he was gone. Once I made this discovery, I figured out how to fix it. I go to church with lots of wonderful people who have been there for me through thick and thin. They are huggers for the most part, so all I had to do was offer a hug and get one in return. Easy fix!
Another missing element was the handy-man that John was. He was good at fixing things, hanging pictures, and taking care of things outside. I never mowed the lawn or edged it. I rarely changed light bulbs or air filters. If I wanted something done I would ask him about it and he would figure out the best way. Once again, I turned to my church family. There are several men in the congregation who have the "honey-do" capability. One of my door knobs had to be replaced, so all I had to do was ask and it was done. They have also checked things like the vents and roof. I also have my two sons who are old enough to be helpful. They took over the lawn mowing and edging chores, and can be counted on for simple home maintenance chores, like changing air filters. Luckily, Caleb had been taught by his father where things were and how they work. I've had to pick his brain several times about different things that John used to take care of. One thing I found out after John died was that he did not keep up with things as I thought he had. Many of the routine maintenance items that go with owning a home had been neglected due to his poor health. It's been a challenge to get everything back to where it should be, but with the help from Evan, Caleb, and my friends at church it's much better than it was.
I also missed the news. John always watched the news and would tell me what was going on in the world. It irritated him that I didn't watch it, but at the same time, he enjoyed telling me because he could put his spin on the events, especially politics. Luckily, we usually agreed on what candidates we supported! I've now started watching the news in the morning while getting ready for work and I've found other people to talk about current events with.
These may seem like simple, unimportant things to miss, but they're important to me. We will all miss something different when a relationship ends for any reason. There are so many facets of a relationship that we easily take for granted, and when the relationship ends it's sometimes difficult to realize exactly what we've lost. I challenge you to think about what you miss about a special person who has left your life. Once you identify the missing element(s), figure out how to replace it to fill the hole in your life. You'll be happier when you do.
Thanks for taking this journey with me....more to come
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